Waterlulz Road S6 EP15: The Penny Drops for Karen

Karen has been in charge of the dump since the start of Series 6 and proved to be popular with most fans, with some undecided and the followers of the Rachel Mason cult didn't really like her because she obviously wasn't Rachel and she didn't spend her time being a superhero for a single character who was likely to bugger off after that episode.

So it was all about Harry v Karen this episode with everyone banging on at Harry that he's currently failing his grades and if he keeps at this level, he'll fail school, have no job, get on drugs, have no house and generally fail at everything. He puts it down to his mother's ethnics and how arrogant she is including not letting him see his dad (is he still in t'Corrie land?), but she's having no bad talk about her so he keeps telling him to shut up. In order to stir some drama, the little scamp stole Karen's phone and used it to frighten and infuriate staff members by sending emails of "You're not very good at your job" (hence why they work at Waterloo Road) and "Come to my office for a verbal spanking".

Harry's Ninja skills at work here.

As long term fans would know, Grantly likes to pull the Teacher's union card whenever he gets upset on something and this was no different. He called for a union rep to get Karen at least suspended for these emails. This set up an event in the corridor to let everyone vent about Karen believing that it was fine to do so considering she had apparently sent these emails. Two wrongs don't make a right etc etc. Grantly and Ruby did have a lunchtime "date" together to which made Ruby nervous after Janeece suggesting that Grantly fancied her. To be fair to Janeece, anyone could of said that when there's blatant chemistry together with their book swaps and comedy scenes. Plus John isn't about so they can do whatever the bloody hell they want to, as long as they're being discreet about it.

Discreet did I say? Cesca and Jonah are going to need to look that word up in the dictionary after Harry's antics did cause a bit of tension between Cesca and Jonah (not that sort) when Cesca received an email about an certain "incident" and blimey, if Cesca and Jonah had come out then, Harry probably would of got a pat on the back for that one. Funny how them nearly getting found out made them even less secretive with their conversations being in the art room that's funnily enough always empty (No Kim, that's why), the bike shed and even bonking in the cleaning cupboard. Next weeks episode: Cesca and Jonah have a session in the school library with Jonah putting his hand on her throat to feel how the Spanish moan their pleasure.

It all got resolved after Harry owned to the emails and she wasn't too pleased about her son being her unofficial messenger. Harry had another "You're a controlling person, you don't listen" rant, Karen finally realised that she's not exactly been the best of mothers or Headteacher, so apologised to everyone and even had a mother/son bonding moment on the stairs and went out for pizza, the obvious choice when peace making.

Karen Fisher angry - What a surprise.

I think the problem with Karen is that she's elitist and ignorant. Being the big cheese means that she's all powerful over the students and staff making her opinion more important than whatever someone says and thinks making her understandably a hate figure. You know, someone talks to you and you know that they're talking to you but you're not really listening because you're wondering what's for dinner tonight. Also if we're getting picky at her, I don't like her voice. I mean come on, everytime she says "What is this?" she sounds like she's trembling and about to cry.

Segregation between girls and boys looks even more doomed after this week with the girls continuing to embarrass the boys in class results. A plan to get the boys looking brilliant and marvellous was running as a smart arse businessman visited the school to do a business enterprise which was essentially just a diet  Dragons Den. It all seemed to go all tits up when Kyle Haystack's great idea to recycle sewage water back into the kitchens for re-use was meet with the same reaction as watching The Human Centipede for the first time. It also got stormed by a load of girls who were whining over being left out but all they think of was a dating website as if there wasn't already a load of those ALREADY.

Tom uses the "Actions speak louder than words" approach when judging Kyle's idea.

In a twist to the Bex v Hodge storyline, Jess stupidly agreed to meet up with him despite the obvious freakouts everytime he was mentioned or when his Hodge radar was beeping. She found out that he was an alright bloke and a bit of a charmer, so of course it felt right to book a hotel room and have a Night in Paris session. However, next week we'll find out about Bex's mysterious absence and what this means for her and Jess. I'm not really fussed unless I manage to get a copy of the sexy business.

Waterlulz S6 EP14: Grrr bloody foreigners taking our jobs

Waterloo Road seemed to get racist this week when new caretaker Lukas Wisniewski happened to be Polish, the one country everyone thinks about when they think of the term “foreigners”. He was delighted to get the job whereas someone’s dad (Jeff from Peep Show) missed out. His son Matthew is a bright pupil at Waterloo Road and is chums with the local bad boy, Kyle HayStack and he wasn’t too pleased about it. He stumbled upon the man who won the job and the normally not racist Matthew went on a massive “bloody foreigners taking our jobs” rant and Kyle got involved as well. Lukas obviously wasn’t impressed by this prejudice by the boys and marched up to Chris Mead in order to get something done about it.

Lukas: I want to make a complaint!

Chris: Is there a problem?

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ruby meanwhile expressed her right wing views on immigrants and no one was really impressed about her views and in effect encouraged Matt and Kyle’s actions against Mr. Wisniewski causing everyone especially Adanna and Cesca to stare at her and whisper “racist”.  Not really surprisingly from her, she’s the Queen snob of Rochdale, probably reads the Daily Mail and wants everything to be perfect. She thought that Grantly would see the same way but she got the response of “I hate everybody but I hate them all equally” so there you go, he may have a lack of tolerance, but even Grantly of all people isn't a racist.

BEING RACIST IS FUN!

It became clear where Matt got his views from – his dad. He was only doing it because he wanted his approval and Kyle was bumming up to his dad that he was jealous and wanted his approval. They decided to kick some chairs, pour some liquid over things, clog the sinks and even rip Lukas’ photo of himself and his son. They thought this would drive him away and of course it would upset him, but it was always going to do more harm to themselves seeing how they’re causing utter destruction around the school and getting kicked out for being two racists.

Matt stole Mr. Wisniewski's phone and was obviously annoyed so he threatened him but got found by Chris and co and had to go to the Headteacher's office. He was threatened with suspension but after retrieving his phone from Matt and heard from his son, he decided "Screw this place, I'm buggering off back to Poland to be with my son again". So Matt and Kyle *kind* of won, he's leaving the country. I'm sad to see him go as he could of been a decent character in the series to add a bit of diversity, but there you go, another character to disappear without no mention ever again. Sigh.

“I’m not against Mr. Wisniewski because he’s Polish, he’s just not British” – Prime example of the term "own goal".

But it wasn't over yet. Dave marched into school and wanted to fight the man who stole his job but he was thankfully stopped and made a fool of when it was know that he was offered the job, but couldn't be arsed to turn up. See Matt? All that trouble for nothing. This whole episode was just a massive finger up to people with fascist views, mainly the BNP. This struck a chord in my head when Cesca said “You give these people a platform, you give these people a profile” which effectively summed up the controversy about BNP leader Nick Griffin’s appearance on Question Time last year. 

Meanwhile, Ronan had another scheme and it was to sell exam papers to the other pupils in order to earn some doss as usual. Janeece seemed to be smarter than what Ronan credits her for and told Grantly to do another test instead. Mwhahahaha. Fake tanned secretary thwarts Del Boy Ronan’s money making scheme but like every other villain, he vows to continue his schemes for profit.

Elsewhere, Jonarrrrrrr is still obsessing about Spain’s next Top Model and she’s not that keen on Jonah and uses Tom to try and cover up her feelings for Jonah. Cesca at the moment is all ”This is morally wrong and I shouldn’t do this but oh well, sex IS sex!” She visited Tom who has become afraid of the big world after his beating by Nate’s dad and threw a massive strop like a 5 year old because he didn't want to go out so instead they stayed in and had some pizza. She went home, Jonah was there waiting for her on her doorstep (bloody big door!) and the pair had a special kind of Spanish tutoring. Cesca loved it, he loved and it was Jonah’s first time making Cesca pull a priceless face.

God, Tom is going to go apeshit when he realises his love rival is Jonah, the result of Taylor Lautner and Bolton Smiley in a Blender.

If Cesca was in the room, my nipples wouldn't be erect, but my you-know-what would be.

With Bex suddenly being rich after receiving a wad of cash last week, she and jess decided to go out and buy dresses to go out clubbing. To ruin the moment, Hodge is on the scene who walks around like a camp Terminator and spots Bex and wants to chat leading to dramatic confrontation between the pair in a parking lot. She throws the money over the edge, tots off and we're still wondering what the dickens she was up to with that Hodge. Apparently she wasn't a Lady of the night so I'm guessing that the duo were burglars that specialised in nicking biscuits. Not Jaffa cakes, they're not real biscuits.

I don’t know what happens next week after watching that trailer, but all I know is that shit hits the fan and everyone is mad for some reason. Might be their times of the month.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP13: Being Gay Is Like Losing A Son

So the issue that was going to tackled was the social acceptance of homosexual relationships. So Josh and Nate are now in a relationship and Tom is casually fine with them both after a bit of persuasion from Cesca. Nate’s dad on the other hand was concerned why his son was a bit distant recently and when he walked past a wall with “Nate loves Josh” he knew why.

“Nate loves Josh? Ha, is this some kind of joke?”

“Hi Mr Gurney, I’m Josh”

“.....what”

It’s like this show is done for laughs most of the time.

So Nate’s dad wasn’t going to have any of it and ran about all guns blazing homophobic thoughts. Waterloo Road of course has to put a twist on things as usual and attaches the pain of losing a family member in the Middle East and Nate’s dad believes that his son being gay means he’s lost another son. Blimey, it’s like the writers hired Jan Moir to do the plots. Matthew Gurney had a confrontation with his son realised that he is gay. Now we could of ended it there we would of shut off that plot there, but no. He wasn’t easy on the idea of his son being in a relationship yet and decided that he should stay away from Josh causing sheep hair to feel all depressed. But no, Nate inspired by the power of love told his dad to bugger off and let him and Josh be together. 

Nate’s dad does get the message but still feels bitter about it and decides that kicking Tom’s head in would be a great way to vent. While all this was happening, good ol’ Tom was back in his womaniser role which only seems to be able to charm his work colleagues suddenly fancies Cesca probably because she revealed that she likes football and does know the offside rule.  Insert Sian Massey joke here.  He even invited her out for a drink and she agreed with Tom using the irritating and “you know what he’s up to” line “It’s a date!”.

 Don't worry Tom, women do like the odd wound.

While Tom was planning how to get his “swag” on, Jonah and Cesca looked to be on the rocks after Cesca suddenly thought “Wait, this is totally unprofessional” and wanted Jonah to bugger off and shark some girl his own age. Jonah even went in for a kiss but got a slap from Cesca but he was totally fine with her playing hard to get. After Tom got battered by Mr. Gurney, Cesca ditched him in favour of some Jonah company because she just wanted a cuddle with him. Cesca can’t even make her mind up about Jonah, she’s like a child who saves up for a console, realises it’s a load of manure and then suck up to it in order to block out the feelings of buyer’s remorse.  

So there you go, Josh and Nate get to be together, Tom got can’t even score Cesca because she’s too busy having awkward Spanish oral lessons with Jonah’s mouth and got beaten up in the same evening. Maybe he should just date someone out of work that has no relation to anyone in the school and there will be less trouble then.

The slap - A common move for Miss. Montoya

Janeece’s dream of becoming a teacher took a positive step as she decided to give classes in the skills of being a PA. Girls signed up but no boys did and Adanna wasn’t going to allow the course to go ahead unless at least one boy signed up because she didn’t want the course to be viewed sexist but the role of a PA is a well known job for females as 9/10 of female applicants will give the job because their employer wants a bit on the side. Many males were approached on the idea including Del Boy Ronan, who signed up after seeing the mother load of stationery in the stationery cupboard and wanted to start flogging pens instead of poor quality filmed movies.

Ruby once again filled the void of the comedy duo of Steph in the partnership this week with Grantly rewarding last week’s cleaning efforts of his house with tickets for them both to see An Inspector Calls. Ruby wanted to read up on the play before she read it but was caught with an edition of the play’s transcript and Grantly accused her of not being literature savvy with Ruby countering his accusation by whipping out her copy of Jilly Cooper’s Wicked, insisting he’ll love it. Ruby had to read Madame Bovary in return and both characters loved the books with their bond growing stronger and stronger. I feel like this pair will have an affair, I mean, where's John these days?

HAI BEX

Hodge popped up and was bothering Bex this week as usual and even he turned up at the school with an awkward moment involving him waving at Bex like they're best buddies. These days something like that doesn't look right. He convinced her to have a meeting in the park when he gave the audience an idea of her antics when she was missing. He also sent Bex an envelope stuffed full of cash as a present and Bex started crying. I assume Bex was a prossie and ol' Hodge was a pimp scoring her clients not being selling dodgy DVDs, then.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP12: Not Another Schizo Storyline

In another one shot episode that the series writers seem to love doing, we had a new one off character called “Billie Taylor” (no relation to me, God no) is a young mother who’s returning to school after popping out her sprog with obvious tension between the pair. It’s makes sense that Janeece takes an interest in the girl’s welfare because of obvious reasons and not because she just wants more screen time. Billie is convinced that her mother was trying to take her baby away from her with Janeece visiting Chris about this and he didn’t want to hear any of it. Although, this did set up a comedy moment for the show (serious one, of course) with Chris hearing Cheryl and thinking she were in the draw.

“No way, it’ll be too cruel to keep a baby in the draw.

...but I do have one in the stationery cupboard” 

Chris weren’t too impressed by this and ordered Janeece to take her baby to the crèche and she trotted off in her high heels with her boobs wobbling. Side note, is it just me or are her breasts getting bigger? 

Anyway, Janeece wants to help out and marches into Jenny from Tracy Beaker’s office with all guns blazing about the baby and Adanna isn’t fazed at all by her claims and neither is Chris. Despite this, Janeece is willing to help out Billie’s baby issues and takes her back home to talk about it.  So Billie and Janeece do indeed go to her house and Billie’s mother is concerned about Billie’s behaviour and how it’s been over the past few months and says the “a word” and it all kicks off with Billie attacking her. Crikey, that’s the most emotion we have seen from this robot!

 Bleep Bloop Beep Beep 

Billie’s mother storms off to the school and accuses her daughter of attacking her, but Janeece denies the claims.  While the mother is fuming, Billie nicks her baby and goes off for a wander leaving the staff to look for her and Janeece having to admit she lied about Billie not hitting her mum with diet Kim understandably mad. Billie is however found and in a controversial way as well. She’s seen recreating Michael Jackson’s infamous moment when he dangled his baby over the hotel balcony when greeting fans. With Chris, Adanna, Janeece, Billie’s mum and a whole crowd on the scene, Billie claims that voices are telling her to drop the baby and thinking that her baby is going to taken away from her. Well, of course your baby is going to taken away from you if you’re going to do that, you daft sod.  She hoops off the hospital and she’s been diagnosed with a mental illness. Another one beats the dust, then.

This is something I don’t like about one shot character focused episodes. This new student with no reference to in the past pops up seamlessly out of a universe full of one shot characters and then manages to stroll into school and have people go “Oh hai X, how are you?” and then characters are suddenly related to her, they know her and of their issues. Then when X character has a massive hissy fit, he/she gets taken away or buggers off and then characters sigh and move on. Perhaps this is because this sort of drama is so common, it’s a day of the week or is it because all the characters in this Waterloo Road universe have amnesia? They all probably all get their minds erased by men in black suits, telling them to stare at the object and let it flash and then they wonder what the bloody hell just happened. It’s all a blatant conspiracy. 

Hell yea, Men in Black movie reference!

There’s a hunch that Nate and Josh will getting some in future episodes (although it all kicks off with Nate’s dad next episode!!) after Lauren pointing out the signs that Nate might fancy Jos after how fast the pair got on well and became close very quickly. Finn sees this chemistry as well as Lauren so he’s all sadface over not having sheep haircut as a buddy anymore. Nate turned up at Josh’s house while Finn and Josh were playing some FIFA with Finn didn’t want to get in the way so left the pair at it. When their session ended, Nate asked Josh if he had any more games they could play upstairs. You dirty, dirty boy, Nate. But props on the chat up line, though, £5 in the post for you. 

 Janeece practising for the World Gurning Championship.

There’s concerns for Grantly’s welfare with Ruby and Tom concerned about him. Grantly isn’t really fussed about his lifestyle and doesn’t need help, but after getting Tom to nick Grantly’s house keys, Ruby saw how bad his lifestyle really is. His house looked like a teenager’s bedroom and Ruby decided to clean his house, leaving cooked dinners and gathering notes from Fleur and placing them around the house to remind him of the good times they had before she left for the nursing home. Ruby you lovely woman. 

Chris was in charge today after Karen was away for some reason and he thought it would be a good idea if Finn and Hay Stack kissed and made up without the “kissed” bit so they don’t lock eyes and scrap at each other everytime they’re in the same room. Of course, all his ideas go tits up and this one is no different. The pair still don’t like each other and their rivalry continued at football training during an exercise where two players jogged together and had to pass to the other with him shooting with Finn smacking the ball right at Kyle causing yet ANOTHER stand off between the pair. Only 2 episodes and the amount of fights there have been so far is just amazing.  Nice one Chris, what’s your next idea, giving fish fresh air?

One for the "Awkward Boner Moments" photo album.

After that hug last week between Jonah and Cesca, there’s obvious chemistry between the pair after some one on one lunchtime Spanish lessons. That’s not an euphemism for sexual healin’, but after Cesca invited him to a lunchtime session place Jonah’s hand on her throat so he could feel how Spanish people say certain words and an unprofessional exchange of phone numbers, there’s potential sexytimes ahead for the pair. But then again, next week’s preview looks like Jonah will get into a spot of bother after getting a slap from Cesca for attempting to kiss her, it’s not really Jonah’s fault. I mean, when Jonah texted “I love Spanish!” with the reply “Spanish loves you!, that is in no way leading someone on, right? Mind, if I had an obviously attractive Spanish teacher like that, I wouldn’t mind “tapping that”, you know what I’m sayin’?

The Frankie Boyle of Journalism is at it again.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1354725/Amanda-Holden-miscarriage-Celebrity-condolence-tweeting-offensive.html

On Saturday we heard the terrible news of Miss. Holden losing her baby after being 6 months pregnant. Everyone was sympatric to the woman, even myself when I’ve made cheap jokes about Amanda Holden in the past about her botox but I only offer sympathy to the woman.  Any woman who has a miscarriage is just terrible. 

In such terrible times, it’s only natural that someone of Jan Moir’s stature to burst into the room offering her take on the matter.  From previous articles notably her piece on Stephen Gately it was just to stir the pot. I don’t know why she does this. There’s times when you can’t say much, but she tries and turns it into a subject which she can talk about so she can get her paycheck from the Daily Mail.

Now to pick at her points like a scab.

Forgive me for saying so, but more likely than not the grim truth is that they are feeding off the rich nutrition of the grief industry, their mawkish Twitter inanities another conduit promoting them as lovely, compassionate and thoughtful ­people. The tweet is a cheap and tasteless way of ­burnishing their profile and increasing their value.

If you’re going down that route then birthday cards, get well soon cards and “Happy Engagement” cards are nothing more than just a folded A4 sheet of card with pretty font on it. It’s a gesture. It’s a way wishing someone well with the card. The tweets from thousands of Twitter users are apparently shallow and meaningless.

The condolence tweeters are drunk on attention; they are stars who have lost any sense of perspective or decorum a long time ago.

Come off it, Jan. Friends or not, you’re always going to send her messages of support because it’s human nature to do so. When I wish someone luck or to get well soon, I mean it.

For surely those celebrities who actually know and are friends with Miss Holden - and that does seem to be most of them listed here - should get in touch privately to express their sympathy in a more discreet and meaningful way? Such as a phone call, a bunch of flowers or - dare I even  suggest it - a private, handwritten note of condolence?

I’m sure she’s received personal messages in other forms than Twitter, Jan. You’re just an observer, do you have any inside knowledge? No. You’re just an offensive columnist.

Amanda Holden must have been greatly comforted by the fact that James Corden sandwiched his ¬sympathy tweet to her between ¬messages about a joke on Are You Being Framed? and details about a West Ham football match.

That’s just unfortunate timing, silly. From that, can’t you see that James only just heard about it? It was spontaneous, did he know that she had an miscarriage before it even happened? No.

Fair play Jan Moir. Showing your class by capitalising on someone's loss to turn it into a rant on something else. Not at all surprised since this article was for the Daily Fail but still amazes me that the article's comment section only shows positive reviews/comments on the article. Another reason not to buy the Daily Fail, then. The whole irony in this article is how she describes these tweets as “offensive, narcissistic and trite” when she’s done exactly that with her article. Play her off, Keyboard cat.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP11: Back to School, Waterloo Road.

(Also here: http://waterlulzroad.tumblr.com/post/3123372527/back-to-school-waterloo-road)

It’s back! It’s back! Another 10 weeks of me posting these commentaries for your amusement! Urgh. I enjoyed the break of playing on my Xbox and not doing my school work but now it's time to resume this commentary of the weekly whacky events in Rochdale with silly plots, shaky camera shots and music rape. 

It seems that the school is resuming it’s experimental approach of attempting to raise the grades of it’s students by segration of boys and girls. Of course, this is Waterloo Road and the track record of experimental schemes were as well received as Roy Hodgson’s reign at Liverpoo. Only person who supported this was Ruby Fry who can't even control the class herself and thought that this issue could help curb this issue. The boys didn’t like this and no one else did really with Finn reacting to the news by turning into an ape and causing everyone else’s brains to shrink and they all join in. Cesca wasn't really impressed with the change as well and asked Karen and Chris how she could make her lessons more interesting. Instant thought: do your lessons while wearing a bikini.

 Looks like Lindsey after a crack addiction in 20 years with a hint of Rose Kelly.

There wasn't any real focus on the single sex classes since backflippin' street dancer George Sampson from Britain's Got Talent appeared and he’s surprised me. Instead of being this kid with trendy clothes and a lovely haircut that enters each scene with some imperative dance according to the music playing in the background with girls quivering at the knees, he’s a pikey. He’s called Kyle “Hay Stack and he’s a real bad arse. He’s a white Bolton with a hint of Earl Kelly and he’s even got a Rottweiler to prove how tough he is. He even talked up how tough his terrier is as well, I'm surprised that Kyle didn't pull a "Some say that my dog can breathe in space" line. He's got a mum that's seen a fair share of drugs, alcohol, and phallus and looks like Rose Mark II but with curves and a bit more dirty with Chlamydia. The school lets Kyle in and he's told that he must be a very good boy and do his work. Of course he's not going to do that, he just wants to "bang someone out". He instantly forms a rivalry with previous bad boy, Finn "leather jacket" Sharkley with them squaring up every 5 minutes and people are on hand to split them up, but it didn't stop him when he smacked Finn in the face. I guess you could say, Finn got....battered.

Anyway, hay stack gets sent to the cooler where Bex is and after seeing her crying, he attempts to wipe the tears off her face but Bex gets the wrong end of the stick and ends up crying rape. Kyle denies her claims but Bex is adamant that he died and it's all going pear shaped for Kyle on his first day at Waterloo Road.

 

To shut up Kyle, Ronan thought it was a great idea to bring in his dog for a spot of doggin- well to back Finn up for protection. In order to train “Timmy”, Josh, Finn and Ronan try and get the German Shepard to maul and slaughter an innocent stuffed bear and instead of being a violent scene from Wire in the Blood, it becomes a Britain’s Got Talent audition with a dancing dog with the occasional leek to unnecessary music. Having failed in bringing out the Hitler out of the dog, the trio decide that there's no point to their attempts so they wander off and resume their duties of sharking and going on pussy patrol.

 This book will be full of the word "anger" in capital letters.

Hell breaks loose when Finn decides to stir trouble and teases Kyle over him touching up Bex and he takes his dog for a stroll into the school so he can munch on Bex. Kyle and his dog chases after Bex into Cesca's Spainano room and backs Bex into a corner demanding that she tells the truth about about the incident in the cooler. Jonah plays the role of hero by grabbing Kyle to let Bex and Cesca out of the room but the dog still managed to harm Jasmine Mark II on the arm but still managed to escape, leaving the boy and his dog locked in the room. Due to this incident in the room, his Rottweiler is rightly deemed dangerous and is taken away to be "destroyed" causing us to see that Kyle isn't this boy who wants to fight everyone, get some girls and cause mayhem, but a fragile sensitive boy. Bless.

So Tina O’Brien has returned from her stint on Strictly Come Dancing and now walking around scared and worried of this “Hodge” bloke. I thought this man was the man Roy Hodgson since he’s out of a job and he’s been twiddling his thumbs for a few weeks but no, it’s someone else. He's leaving her messages, flowers and even popping up outside the school gates in his car. She's obviously paranoid of the man and is in constant fear of him and Karen and Jess are worried with Karen sitting Bex down for a mother-daughter chat, with Bex silent on what she was up to when she was missing. “If I told you, you’d never want to see me again,” she said so it'll probably turn out that she's an ex prossie that worked for this Hodge bloke. I could be proved wrong though.  

Steady on, Woy.

We’ve got a diet Kim on board to fill the vacant Pastoral Care role! After stepping into the school, she was at least going to be better than tight trousers Mead. She’s called Adanna Lawal and has the credentials for the job as she was previously head of the Dumping Ground in Tracy Beaker. Nostalgia alert. She's showing signs that she's exactly like Kim but without the "We should be on top of X!!" rants but it's only her first appearance so let's all be nice and not critical of her. Yet.

Also Janeece wants to be a teaching assistant. Seems the Davina transform from school secretary and bit on the side to teaching assistant to qualified teacher plot is being recycled. Are these characters in a time loop? I wonder. I guess this sub plot is just a way to resume the banter between Ruby and Janeece that provided light hearted fun to the series that the first half provided. If they're going to do that, why don't they just give Grantly more screentime?

IRONY OF THE WEEK: This goes to Ruby Fry for failing to control her class and is unable to get them to stop from leaving the classroom to clean up the mess caused.

“You’re all rubbish!” 

(and you know you are...)

A gamblin' man (Monologue for English coursework

Found this while going through my documents and thought I might as well post it. It's something I did for my GCSE English coursework, managed to get an A for this! Here we go, enjoy.

Original writing monologue

“A gamblin’ man”

(Man wrapped up in coat with rucksack near him perched on a pavement block) 

Cold day today eh? I hate the cold at this time of the year. They say it’ll snow but where is the snow? Snow in Gloucester? Bah. That’s lies. But when we are lucky to get some, the smog kills it turning it into cold rain! I wish I was back at my flat. You see, I had double glazing windows, radiators on the go blasting heat across the flat. Waking up to that in a comfortable bed is heaven. When you leave it, the bed would whisper to you “Hey come on, another 5 minutes please?”. Now look at me. Shaking like a cradle in a storm. Hate it here. I blame the number 57. “Oh he’s on fine form he is! Wouldn’t lose your cash on him!” That blooming horse cost me of the last amount I had and now here I am. Muttering, cold and on the hunt for cash. I’m never listening to Londoners again.

Gambling. The religious fundamentalists hate it. “You’re gambling with the Devil!” they say. How many times have I heard that? The secret to gambling is luck. Forget about the toss of a coin, but it’s pure luck. Dave, he is the root of all this. I had known him for a fair bit as we worked together and regularly talked about the football and what’s on the telly, but he had to be there when I managed to lucky dip my way on the premier league games to £120. I was shocked where he was all “Get in there! Spend that well! You could take ol’ Kelly out for dinner, eh?”. Well, that was my first thought but then he invites me to go with him to the local casino. Oh, what a way to waste money.

I honestly had never been to a casino before so deciding what to wear was a pain in the backside. Should I go all “Hollywood cliché” and enter with a suit? Heck, if I had a martini and a comb over, I would make a great Bond look alike! I didn’t have a suit then; all I had was a jumper and some jeans. Besides, it wasn’t going to be a regular event, eh?. So I turn up with my plain black jumper with a white shirt underneath and jeans and there’s Dave in a blooming suit! He looked like a complete tosser in it. “It makes me look classy, smooth and of course attractive,” he said. That’s proper crap there.

We entered the casino. He enters all smug and looking like a complete idiot whereas I wondered around like a lost child. He walks off to a table says “Oh, this looks nice” and turns back to me and says “Got a tenner?” “I thought you had money? It’s a casino not a kids arcade!” I replied. He glared at me and I handed him the £10 note like a mother giving sweets to a child. So I wander off and after 2 minutes of wandering and watching others playing, I went to a empty blackjack table and the dealer greeted me with a nod. “How do you, sir?” he said. “Not bad” I replied. “Are you aware of the rules?” “Oh yeah. Played with my mate Dave at work,” I replied and placed £5 of chips on the table. So he starting shuffling his cards and deals them out and I get a 10 of diamonds and 2 of clubs and said “Hit me,”. 3 of hearts was drawn and I sticked with my total. The dealer revealed his hand and got bust. I won £10 and I started from there. Entered with £40 and left with £115. That was a nice sum to have. Could pay some rent there. Stupid Dave came out with £4 and a soggy shirt! That’s payback there.

That and having a steady job was alright. I rarely have the odd sickie, but with gambling it was going to be common. I would be setting up accounts on betting websites, doing lucky dips. I knew a friend who forged notes, letters and he managed to make a doctor’s form. And get this, it said I had to take a 2 week break from Laryngitis. And those 2 weeks were gold. I played Xbox games all day, got drunk and was able to do a load of things I couldn’t do because of work. I would stumble into my warm, comfortable, homey bed at 2am with no time to get up for a time in the morning for that blooming office drone job. Forged note put me out of work.

 

Blimey, half 4 already? Hm. It’s getting pretty dark. I think I’ll race to the shelter place before old Barney takes my place.

(Jon gets up and picks up his bag and starts to walk. Later, we see him camped on the street in a sleeping bag)

Cor, Barney must of been of done then? Nicking too much of the alcohol from the corner shop. He’s a good man he is. He used to creep in and get us food and drink from the shop and pass it out. “Damn those cameras, Barney’s going in!” He always said. URGH. I wish he was here now. He could of got some soup from the centre. Nice chicken and mushroom with a piece of buttered bread? Lovely jubbly. I’m not allowed up because of bloomin’ Gavin. “Out of my way, I need food as I am fat!” See, I was in the line of the soup queue and it was a good day and all as I got £50 quid from loose change and lost notes. So he jumps in front of me pushing me and 2 other guys out and 1 falling over. Then I try and get back in so he right hooks me and I stutter and threw a fury of hits to his head knocking him down for the count. Funny thing was that a bowl of hot soup fell on him potently burning him. Oh the line of fellow homeless men applauded me. “Finally, someone had to do it!” and “Good on you, I owe you one”. Rumour has it that he got a broken nose and is still mangled today. So I got banned. By hey it doesn’t stop me receiving soup every night. 

(Jon looks around and spots two men in suits talking to various homeless people)

Oh look at that. The buggers are still at it. Hunting around these parts for drones in their drug dealin’? Bah. I sounded like a sheriff then. Three people left for those But I got offered and got this card. It’s destiny all this. God hates me. Breaking one of his prized commandments.

(Jon pulls out card and inspects it)

Silly piece of card.

(Jon puts it back in his pocket)

I think I’ll sleep for the night now. Peter is on the lookout.

(Goes to black. Lights up as Jon wakes up)

Oh Lord, it’s those dreams again...... I hate them. I keep dreaming of my flat being repossessed and sold off to bailiffs. All I had was some clothes, shoes, pillow, a sleeping bag and a pocket radio. Should of packed more batteries. I still grabbed a secret stash of £200 to survive on. Spent it too fast really. I had to go and blow it on 2 nights at a luxury hotel, eh? I spend £20 and only got £17 from it. No point betting on football; 

always has teams on mixed form. 

I haven’t had a chat with my parents since my mam’s birthday. 67 now. Live in a little cottage in Portsmouth with a pesky little dog with them, on retirement and are loving it. I need to tell them about this. They’ll help me. I mean, I’m their son, right? They should help me. I can’t go living like this. The dirt, the violence, the dangers.... I can’t bear it here. I don’t know how the poor sods here manage to live like this; it’s not healthy. I salute the buggers. Sprit? Can’t be. Anyone would be depressed living in a hole like this. I can’t get a job, I mean look at me! Unshaven, smell like a sewer and no clean clothes. Why oh why? I hate myself so much. Damn Dave. I hope he dies. He legged it to the Yank’s country and living there in Las Vegas and all I got was a “Bye”. Completely ignored me. 

I need some cash. Fast. I’ll take the route to Portsmouth by train to see my parents. Yes. That will work. No problems there. I’ll have to take that job. £100 along with my change should get me back home. I’ll be back on my feet and return here with some money, new clean clothes and a smile. I’ll give them a ring in the morning.

(Jon falls asleep. It is now the next night at 8PM and Jon is wearing a coat, black gloves and some tracksuit bottoms)

Rather nervous. Made the deal with the devil. Here we go ol’ Jon, on a adventure now. I’m getting a load of cash for this. £300 for a nights work? Sweet. Lovely. Could get a double cheese burger and some Pepsi from the local McDonalds. Very paranoid men, the dealers are. Always feeling me for bugs and devices and I felt so violated. “Do I look like a cop?” I said to the two men searching my body. “Well, we can’t have a little rat arresting us all out and getting us life sentences, eh?” He replied with a cockney accent. I hate Londoners. It’s a hush hush deal here. You can’t say anything. Well, we all know why!

I wonder what class I should go. First class for luxury. Eh, I looked at one of those train guides. Packed with loads of deals and had a peak. First class, you get a meal, open space and even a newspaper. Probably be a Daily Mail. What a stupid upper class paper. Looking forward to this. 1 hour and that’s it. Payday, lovely.

(A van horn is heard in the background beeping three times)

That’s my ride. My deal with the devil. Good ol’ Jon, I’ll need it.

(Jon runs off)

Fin.