Joey Barton Cries Wolf, People Shocked That He's Serious

Joey Barton, a man famous for causing violence on and off the pitch was sent off against QPR for attacking Bradley Johnson. He believes the Norwich players conned the Referee to send him off. Let's watch.



Four incidents.

1) Lashes out at player 0:02
2) Elbow out 0:06
3) Barges into Johnson 0:10
4) Headbutts Johnson 0:12

I would say that's *quite* silly, Joey. That's violent conduct, something you're familiar with. At least you don't do this conning busin-

Oh.

Considering Barton's career is built on deceiving officials and causing trouble, this is sweet justice. Would think he would be a bit smart with all those philosophy books he reads.

Stuff I've Been Up To

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Torchwood: Miracle Dud

Once upon a time, a Welshman called Russell T Davis revived Sci-fi classic Doctor Who and then got bored of it and passed on his baby onto a much better writer, Steven Moffat. After diddling his thumbs and wondering what to do, he remembered he had Torchwood living in his basement so he decided to dust it off and spend some quality time with it. It caused fan orgasms across the fan base and I was particularly excited.

Jack and Gwen were going stateside with new characters. Oooh, new team and characters? Fair enough. Would have liked it to stay in the UK, but who cares, it's Torchwood! The series that even one fan wondered if it was better than its relative (fair enough, it's a good argument). When the time finally came and it was back on our screens, I eagerly sat down in front of the TV and put my feet up, I was genuinely excited.  However, what I then watched wasn’t Torchwood at all, but rather some Americans getting a bit dramatic with Jack and Gwen tagging along as guest stars.

The premise of this latest series is posing the question “What if no one can die?” Now, if you’re a philosophical turd, you’d be loving this one with the morals; what is and what isn’t murder, what we should do with the “dead” and where we should store the coffin dodgers. Of course, this isn’t right – everyone immortal? Really? Surely not! So it’s up to Jack Harkness, Gwen “I’m Welsh, not English, you bitch” Cooper and some Americans to try and find out what’s caused it. 

Given this aired two days before the 9/11 anniversary, can't help but think this was a bit inappropriate.

In this series, the regulars are back: Jack is here to kick some alien arse and change his sexuality for the billionth time, and Gwen, now with a sprog called Anwen, returns with her loveable but common husband, Rhys. The glamorous CIA shows up to help out with Rex and Esther being turned to help Torchwood, Rex is your typical tough black man with a pistol yelling “DAMN” and Esther is a book-smart lady and obviously fancied the pants off Rex.

Jack and Gwen’s chemistry was still there which was a staple of Torchwood UK as well as a running joke with Gwen’s “Oh aye, I’m Welsh, you see” moments. Problem with this, it got stale after the second episode and every time she sprouted the lines, I slumped into my chair and cringed like I was watching The Only Way is Essex cast recreate Hamlet.

Good to see Katya from Neighbours getting some work even if she has her neck snapped.

A big star on the bill was Bill Pullman playing Oswald Danes, something I thought was a great addition to the cast. He played a convicted child murderer and paedophile (or pedophile) sentenced for death but of course survived this because of the whole not dying thing. Turned out that was his ticket to fifteen minutes of fame and was seen as a prophet and given a platform to speak out of his arse. Over the series he could have been used a bit more other than to be used as the "This is a monster, hate him" character and rather something else. Den of Geek suggested that he could have been used as "a chance to take a good, hard look at how the media makes heroes out of the wrong people" which I thoroughly agree with and should have been there instead of the pointless filler in some episodes.

For a Sci-fi series that’s premise is kicking alien arse with guns and swearing, I feel quite let down.  Not only do we not see what the Blessing is until the ninth episode, but there is no real alien threat. When we learnt that the category ones were off to be cooked in furnaces, I thought “Oh right, so I guess an alien gang are cooking our humans to fuel a giant laser or something, I suppose?” and was adamant that this was going to happen. But, throughout the series we saw one alien and that was it. I don’t think I’m alone on this; I’m sure others felt a bit cheated.

'ey up, Jack's Gaydar sense is tingling.

What seemed to trouble this series the most was its length - it was too long. Ten parts (rather than five like with the previous) made the series seem to go on for an eternity with just one main plot and sub-plots that could have been easily condensed into less time. The episodes could have been shorter, with BARELY ANYTHING HAPPENING in each one, including the finale. (I’m sure a few hardcore Torchwood fans have already been busily ripping out the filler and shortening the series.) In my mind a good series is like a bowel movement. Short and satisfying is the way to go, any longer and you’ll end up shooting out your internal organs.

The big reveal of the cause of all this was a big disappointment, the anticipation, the hype and mystery surrounding it made you hope that this was going to be something that was going to save the series and somehow produce a decent finale, but no. After nine episodes, we found out that the Blessing was a vagina running through the centre of the Earth. A vagina. A vagina moderating the world's life expectancy. Crikey, I felt like I was told the meaning of life was to create a cheese and pickle sandwich. But seriously, how was this not discovered before? If you have a miles long vagina running through the Earth, surely someone should have seen it? Even the Silurians didn't spot it and so they're either blind or the writers are a bit dim. 

I'm sure a giant tampon would have solved this whole malarky.

Considering this was effectively a reboot (no RTD, it was one), the format could have been a lot better. Why wasn’t there a return to the single episode plots of Series 1 and 2? If this series was introducing a new audience of Americans, it would have been a lot better to do a slow, easy episode to ease the new viewers into the series rather than throwing them into the story, telling you who’s who and telling you to sit down and watch. Children of Earth was a great 5 part serial, but I always wanted to see a return to the one shot episodes that we, the proper Torchwood fans wanted, not some new viewers who have to stick on subtitles every time Gwen says anything.

So I  felt alienated. A lot. Going back to previous point of it being a bit open so the Americans could gasp what was happening, it really did feel like having to explain how to use a computer an alzheimer's patient. The scenes I liked most were the scenes back home in the UK because you at least were familiar with the surroundings and way of life, whereas in the US it felt like being on Mars with the knowledge you have of the planet is off Wikipedia.

Will we see more of Torchwood? No, I personally hope we won’t. Sure it’s set up for another series with the “lol Rex is immortal” thing, the three families who own Jack and this “Plan B” setup, but we’ve just seen ten weeks of uncertainty and episodes of "urgh" and "meh”. If you want to have something continue for another series, at least make it good. Terminator Salvation had that problem, it was a anticlimactic film which was the supposed stepping stone for future instalments, but that's down the drain. I suppose RTD is praying for a miracle for this to be picked up again.

(..sorry.)

Looks Like Someone Needs To Learn What Irony Is

Oh Sammy. After a long summer of transfer talk and uncertainty, you rumoured to be off to Manchester City or even Manchester United, you had to come out and angrily tweet that.  Deary me, lad. You're angry at what most Arsenal fans think of you when months back, we were happily chanting your name while dancing around defences, showing off how beneficial those dance classes were as a child. Ever wondered why the fans have turned on you? Let's investigate.

First off, contract negotiations. You're refusing to sign a contract extension. You want more money and not backing down from that. You're earning £90,000 a week, French fry. My parents' annual salaries are far from that. You want £110,000 a week with a deal like Cesc Fabregas? Hold on, didn't you just have one good spell last season and after Christmas was fairly average? Do you really think you deserve more money? Of course you do, you're fuelled on money probably. You probably need a few more £20 notes to tie to your money duvet or another Ferrari because someone farted in your current car.

 Still, can't hate you for your tweets.

We've had this sort of treatment from Adebayor and he was once a fan favourite, but now if you were to ask someone what he/she thinks of the man, a swear word or two will be used. Remember your old friend Gallas? He was once a favourite, but now resides in Tottenham and will be forever jeered because of his unwise career move. You'll be heading down the same path as him if you seal a deal with a rival club. To use the chants as an excuse from a move away from the club is not only disgraceful, but shows how you're a bit dim. The reason why a section of fans were chanting *that* was because of your behaviour of the summer, with you unwilling to commit your future to the team. You have created the hole you're in and you shouldn't be surprised at the fans' reaction.

A great take on an already fan favourite chant.

At least your timing was spot on. On the day Fabregas was presented as a Barcelona player, kissing the badge to an adoring audience and fan favourite Eboue on the brink of leaving, your tweet made us fans quite angry. A lot more mad since we're all emotional seeing Fabregas in a Barcelona shirt, so your tweet did little to cheer up pessimistic fans. To come out with that tweet, you've dug yourself deeper in your hole. Closer to the exit. Another superstar lost due to greed. *Sigh*.

If you're an Arsenal player, show it. Show us why we shouldn't call you a See you Next Tuesday. We will always get behind the team because we will support Arsenal whatever state the club is in. If you want the respect and love you crave, pass some of the same over to the fans. It's as simple as that. State your commitment to the cause, sign on the dotted line and repay us with your fabulous football technique and maybe, we'll start the lovely positive chants again.

Nanana nanananananananana nananananananan Nasriiii Nasriii, Samir Nasriii

But at the end of the day, don't worry Samir. If you're upset with the fans' chants, call your special friend and he'll comfort you. He'll come and he'll cradle you in his arms, listen to your problems and wash them away. Chamakh, time to get that baby oil.

How Do You Make People Suddenly Angry? Play Swagger Jagger

I never really pay any attention to the X Factor. Whenever I do, it’s just me commenting how much of a sham it all is and wonder why anyone would watch it. Every week in the live televised rounds, people would clog up my Facebook and Twitter timelines with their own commentary on the karaoke contest. But a regular theme through the timelines would be the hate of individual contestants and one that was quite unpopular last year was Cher Lloyd, a 18 year old who looks like she’s chasing so many fashion trends that she’s trying to combine them all to look like she’s fallen out of various wardrobes.

Now, I’ve never really known her. I know her fashion sense is bizarre, her singing style is a collection of “ohh” and rapping and she has various tattoos for whatever reason. The other day, her video and song was officially released after days of anger from the young lady after her single was leaked, I didn’t pay attention to it since I really couldn’t give a rat’s arse over her. I was then interested in the video and single because of the reaction. “It’s a good song….if you turn the sound off” “OMG IT’S WORSE THAN REBECCA BLACK’S FRIDAY” “Sounds like a cat on helium singing with autotune lol”. That was the gist of it. So I watched and listened to it.

 Cher Lloyd with her fans

Now before I say anything else, I am not a music reviewer. I’ve never really reviewed music and this is just an experiment. Here goes.

 

The premise of the song is a massive F you to all of her critics (or “haters” if you want to get modern) and sings it while wearing odd clothes. A quick Google search on “Swagger Jagger” would tell you that it means “a person who always cramp your style” so i.e me for example. But you really don’t need to search the song title for the meaning because the song’s topic is so easy to understand, even her fans would get it.

The only positive thing of this video is probably the SE

The song seems quite unstructured and messy, like a sandwich without the bread or butter, just the filling and it’s its own downfall. Cher has written a song that she doesn’t even know what she wants it to be; the verses is her angrily rapping down a street with bright cartoon visuals spawning from nowhere like an acid trip, the gaps in between the verses and chorus is something from an average club anthem remix, then a slow tempo chorus which Cher Lloyd exercises her vocals and actually properly singing while flirting with the camera (not sure if want) and bopping up and down with her idiotic chums. It’s a complete car crash of a song. 

See, songs to me should always follow a structure of slow verse, building up to the epic chorus. It’s a formula that I believe that works and I don’t know why this song tries to do that in reverse. I feel most of the “energy” focused on the silly “lol I’m rappin’ verses and then the bridge to the slow chorus and it really doesn’t work. It was a bizarre move and signs she's just going for multiple genres, sort of like if the Now! albums were instead songs than albums.

With all these shots of Cher walking down the street, it felt like I was being yelled abuse from a chav

The real thing that did annoy me about the song was the topic. Cher Lloyd here is kicking of an hopefully unsuccessful music career with a song telling critics to bugger off and let her do her thing. Fair enough, responding to haters, what's wrong with that? Main problem - shows she cares too much about negative comments. Takes things too hard. Okay, critics do have a point with her utter poor musical style, but as a human being (lol) she shouldn't care what others think, but rather do her own thing even if it's another possible form of torture.  

I guess the sad thing about this is that it's on its way to Number One. Poor how a song that's trying to be three different genres that really doesn't work will get to top of the charts despite the hatred of the song and the artist. Probably I'm exaggerating. Who knows, maybe another song will spring out of nowhere, be on top spot and make an 18 year old cry. An Amy Winehouse song is likely since she's raised in popularity ever since she died.

Booing A Preseason Friendly? That's Like Heckling A Charity Fun Run

I went to the Emirates Cup on Sunday with friends to watch two matches of hopefully decent football, to taste the atmosphere and have a good time. Although I had a good day and enjoyed the matches, something stuck out like a sore thumb. Booing. At a pre season friendly. A meaningless game which saw us lose the only trophy for the first time in 3 years. Urgh. A bit much, “fans”.

I could see why fans booed - Arsenal proved that they can’t hold a lead for the billionth time, letting Henry’s New York Red Bulls grab a late equaliser after a lazy few minutes and basically handing over the Emirates Cup. It was the same old problems that hadn’t been addressed, same faults that critics were keenly able to point out, but most of all, our confidence hasn’t really changed. Fair enough, I guess. I saw that moment happening and I was annoyed like everyone else. But I never booed. That was a tad too far. If this was a competitive match against say, Wigan and we lost 4-0, that’s when I would have booed. But no, this was just pre season. This is where you mix your fringe players with your first team players with a pinch of youngsters for a test of how your team plays with different tactics, formations, etc. It’s taken not as seriously as say, a cup match, but it’s a time to get to know how well your tactics work. It was quite clear that this was a friendly. 

I was gutted that we had blown it again, but to boo our lads wasn’t exactly going to do anything positive. Sure, I had spent at least £80 on train ticket from Gloucester and the match ticket, but I didn't want to. Maybe it's who I am, not exactly the harshest of people, but to boo, jeer, and insult  the team is never going to rise morale. Booing an already vulnerable team isn’t going to do its confidence any good, sort of like calling a teenage girl fat based on her arse isn’t going to make her feel like eating a giant chocolate cake.

With the boos, it’s clear that the pessimism and negativity has stuck around, sort of like a bad smell. Not like there hasn’t been anything to cheer about, we’re uncertain of the futures of Nasri and Fabregas (most worryingly), let possible transfers pass by and how deadwood players are still in the squad, basically on the dole. The tournament was an opportunity for the team to put on a show for the fans, win with style and raise the spirits of the fans who are increasingly worried about the future of the team as well as the club as a whole. Clearly, we never really fulfilled those targets, but rather stumbled out drunk, wobbling all over the place.  A real shame and with 2 weeks to go before the big kick off, I’m very worried for not only the player’s mentality, but the fan’s attitude.

Wait, hold on - it was a friendly? People were happily chanting "Stand up if you hate Tottenham" and even doing Mexican Waves (Bloody fun, mind) but suddenly conceding a late goal turns it into a super serious MUST WIN game? If fans came into the game on Sunday with the knowledge it was a friendly with no real competitive edge to it, then to have the cheek to boo the players off at full time is an act of stupidity and proves how serious fans are about a meaningless game in a meaningless tournament. Crikey, it's like going to special school.

But it's a time to be reasonable with the situation we're in. Of course, we should be winning games comfortably and winning trophies, but given the the state the team is in, the Premier League increasingly becoming more competitive year in, year out, it's not surprisingly that success isn't coming as natural to the team in an era of mega spending clubs. Arsenal is a big club in terms of support, not really a successful club at the moment. Fans have to lower expectations, I guess. We can't win everything, so we should rather expect a dire 1-1 draw against Blackburn but be rather surprised at thumping Manchester United 3-0. 

All in and all, fans really shouldn't have booed. Doesn't really achieve much over than knocking the player's confidence and just makes out that people were taking a friendly against some bog standard US football team with Henry and Rooney's brother rather too seriously. Wouldn't be surprised if the same people played Call of Duty in the mindset that it's an actual world war.

I'm still about.

Hey. I'm still around. I've had a few months of worrying, working, complementing my future and that's why this blog has been gathering dust for a while. Apologises for that, hopefully activity will pick up again soonish with a proper comeback entry.

K? Cool.