 |
| Things can only go up from here, Dan. |
 |
| Oh have I missed a Nick Hewer cringe cut away moment |
In simple terms, the pitch for this series’ opener was quite frankly 'sell a fuck load of stuff in one day', which included t-shirts, fruit, potatoes, coffee, sausages and their dignity all to
win Lord Sugar’s approval for another week before he eventually gets fed up
with all of them. So being a new series and all, it kicked off with men v
women and with spicy new team names. The female group played on the word decade
(oooh topical) and came up with “Team decadence” even if it’s often associated
with decline and falls of groups and possibly in this case the decline of their
relationships together and their multiple fall(outs). Team badname appointed
Sarah who basically just told everyone “sod strategy, show off your legs and
chest and we’ll stroll this” even if there were cuts to some female candidates
pulling their ‘We’ve made a huge mistake’ faces. The men instead went for
something more mighty with “Team summit” to be all heroic and number one and went ahead and appointed Colombian Felipe
to lead their group who was a bit of a clumsy oaf but hey, at least he works
hard for the sugar.
Nothing new if you’re a seasoned Apprentice viewer – early wake
up call at 4am, rush around to get ready for supplies and think of ideas, on
the spot confusion and arguing all packed in before the 35 minute mark. Sarah
being team leader thought it would be a totally amazing to slice lemons up and
sell individual lemon slices for profit because she’s really keen to address
that niche market of lemon suckers which basically set the tone for another episode
of hapless and typical Apprentice style cock ups by both teams. This ranged
from the men printing £500 worth of “BUY THIS T-SHIRT” t-shirts and leaving
them at the shirt printing shop all day whereas the women didn’t have enough
time to sell their “’#London” t-shirts because they were too busy arguing about
who should be making coffee and also forgot to give their sub team the money to
pay the shirt shop. No wonder Nick Hewer looked like he should have stayed with
Rachel Riley and hosted Countdown instead.
 |
| “It’s not going to be just a potato, it’s going to be an experience” Steve – you’re selling a potato, not a vibrator. |
With all the mishaps and amazing sales pitches, Team Pretentiousname
won by £50 after being able to sell their t-shirts (albeit for a massive loss)
at the last minute where Team Summit didn’t sell any at all because they were
so keen on selling potatoes to an annoyed chef. Team Pleasethinkofabetternamenexttime
went off to a VIP booth in the London Eye to point at London landmarks
where the men instead pointed the blame at each other in a generic rundown café.
Man, this really was a paint by colours Apprentice episode.
After some more finger pointing within the group and Lord
Sugar looking more and more like football with an angry face drawn on it, Chiles
was fired, a man who was effectively pointless because he couldn’t make any
sales and generally sat around doing nothing. Oh and he left the shirts behind
at the store, proper balls up there, Chiles. Suppose what didn’t help his case
was his depressing haunting looks at the table throughout, making this an
easier decision for Lord Sugar to make than who to bully on Twitter, Piers
Morgan or a Children’s charity. Felipe
and Robert live on to fight another day until they inevitably get scapegoated
and booted out of the series and back to their cushy day jobs.
