Stuff I've Been Up To

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Torchwood: Miracle Dud

Once upon a time, a Welshman called Russell T Davis revived Sci-fi classic Doctor Who and then got bored of it and passed on his baby onto a much better writer, Steven Moffat. After diddling his thumbs and wondering what to do, he remembered he had Torchwood living in his basement so he decided to dust it off and spend some quality time with it. It caused fan orgasms across the fan base and I was particularly excited.

Jack and Gwen were going stateside with new characters. Oooh, new team and characters? Fair enough. Would have liked it to stay in the UK, but who cares, it's Torchwood! The series that even one fan wondered if it was better than its relative (fair enough, it's a good argument). When the time finally came and it was back on our screens, I eagerly sat down in front of the TV and put my feet up, I was genuinely excited.  However, what I then watched wasn’t Torchwood at all, but rather some Americans getting a bit dramatic with Jack and Gwen tagging along as guest stars.

The premise of this latest series is posing the question “What if no one can die?” Now, if you’re a philosophical turd, you’d be loving this one with the morals; what is and what isn’t murder, what we should do with the “dead” and where we should store the coffin dodgers. Of course, this isn’t right – everyone immortal? Really? Surely not! So it’s up to Jack Harkness, Gwen “I’m Welsh, not English, you bitch” Cooper and some Americans to try and find out what’s caused it. 

Given this aired two days before the 9/11 anniversary, can't help but think this was a bit inappropriate.

In this series, the regulars are back: Jack is here to kick some alien arse and change his sexuality for the billionth time, and Gwen, now with a sprog called Anwen, returns with her loveable but common husband, Rhys. The glamorous CIA shows up to help out with Rex and Esther being turned to help Torchwood, Rex is your typical tough black man with a pistol yelling “DAMN” and Esther is a book-smart lady and obviously fancied the pants off Rex.

Jack and Gwen’s chemistry was still there which was a staple of Torchwood UK as well as a running joke with Gwen’s “Oh aye, I’m Welsh, you see” moments. Problem with this, it got stale after the second episode and every time she sprouted the lines, I slumped into my chair and cringed like I was watching The Only Way is Essex cast recreate Hamlet.

Good to see Katya from Neighbours getting some work even if she has her neck snapped.

A big star on the bill was Bill Pullman playing Oswald Danes, something I thought was a great addition to the cast. He played a convicted child murderer and paedophile (or pedophile) sentenced for death but of course survived this because of the whole not dying thing. Turned out that was his ticket to fifteen minutes of fame and was seen as a prophet and given a platform to speak out of his arse. Over the series he could have been used a bit more other than to be used as the "This is a monster, hate him" character and rather something else. Den of Geek suggested that he could have been used as "a chance to take a good, hard look at how the media makes heroes out of the wrong people" which I thoroughly agree with and should have been there instead of the pointless filler in some episodes.

For a Sci-fi series that’s premise is kicking alien arse with guns and swearing, I feel quite let down.  Not only do we not see what the Blessing is until the ninth episode, but there is no real alien threat. When we learnt that the category ones were off to be cooked in furnaces, I thought “Oh right, so I guess an alien gang are cooking our humans to fuel a giant laser or something, I suppose?” and was adamant that this was going to happen. But, throughout the series we saw one alien and that was it. I don’t think I’m alone on this; I’m sure others felt a bit cheated.

'ey up, Jack's Gaydar sense is tingling.

What seemed to trouble this series the most was its length - it was too long. Ten parts (rather than five like with the previous) made the series seem to go on for an eternity with just one main plot and sub-plots that could have been easily condensed into less time. The episodes could have been shorter, with BARELY ANYTHING HAPPENING in each one, including the finale. (I’m sure a few hardcore Torchwood fans have already been busily ripping out the filler and shortening the series.) In my mind a good series is like a bowel movement. Short and satisfying is the way to go, any longer and you’ll end up shooting out your internal organs.

The big reveal of the cause of all this was a big disappointment, the anticipation, the hype and mystery surrounding it made you hope that this was going to be something that was going to save the series and somehow produce a decent finale, but no. After nine episodes, we found out that the Blessing was a vagina running through the centre of the Earth. A vagina. A vagina moderating the world's life expectancy. Crikey, I felt like I was told the meaning of life was to create a cheese and pickle sandwich. But seriously, how was this not discovered before? If you have a miles long vagina running through the Earth, surely someone should have seen it? Even the Silurians didn't spot it and so they're either blind or the writers are a bit dim. 

I'm sure a giant tampon would have solved this whole malarky.

Considering this was effectively a reboot (no RTD, it was one), the format could have been a lot better. Why wasn’t there a return to the single episode plots of Series 1 and 2? If this series was introducing a new audience of Americans, it would have been a lot better to do a slow, easy episode to ease the new viewers into the series rather than throwing them into the story, telling you who’s who and telling you to sit down and watch. Children of Earth was a great 5 part serial, but I always wanted to see a return to the one shot episodes that we, the proper Torchwood fans wanted, not some new viewers who have to stick on subtitles every time Gwen says anything.

So I  felt alienated. A lot. Going back to previous point of it being a bit open so the Americans could gasp what was happening, it really did feel like having to explain how to use a computer an alzheimer's patient. The scenes I liked most were the scenes back home in the UK because you at least were familiar with the surroundings and way of life, whereas in the US it felt like being on Mars with the knowledge you have of the planet is off Wikipedia.

Will we see more of Torchwood? No, I personally hope we won’t. Sure it’s set up for another series with the “lol Rex is immortal” thing, the three families who own Jack and this “Plan B” setup, but we’ve just seen ten weeks of uncertainty and episodes of "urgh" and "meh”. If you want to have something continue for another series, at least make it good. Terminator Salvation had that problem, it was a anticlimactic film which was the supposed stepping stone for future instalments, but that's down the drain. I suppose RTD is praying for a miracle for this to be picked up again.

(..sorry.)

Looks Like Someone Needs To Learn What Irony Is

Oh Sammy. After a long summer of transfer talk and uncertainty, you rumoured to be off to Manchester City or even Manchester United, you had to come out and angrily tweet that.  Deary me, lad. You're angry at what most Arsenal fans think of you when months back, we were happily chanting your name while dancing around defences, showing off how beneficial those dance classes were as a child. Ever wondered why the fans have turned on you? Let's investigate.

First off, contract negotiations. You're refusing to sign a contract extension. You want more money and not backing down from that. You're earning £90,000 a week, French fry. My parents' annual salaries are far from that. You want £110,000 a week with a deal like Cesc Fabregas? Hold on, didn't you just have one good spell last season and after Christmas was fairly average? Do you really think you deserve more money? Of course you do, you're fuelled on money probably. You probably need a few more £20 notes to tie to your money duvet or another Ferrari because someone farted in your current car.

 Still, can't hate you for your tweets.

We've had this sort of treatment from Adebayor and he was once a fan favourite, but now if you were to ask someone what he/she thinks of the man, a swear word or two will be used. Remember your old friend Gallas? He was once a favourite, but now resides in Tottenham and will be forever jeered because of his unwise career move. You'll be heading down the same path as him if you seal a deal with a rival club. To use the chants as an excuse from a move away from the club is not only disgraceful, but shows how you're a bit dim. The reason why a section of fans were chanting *that* was because of your behaviour of the summer, with you unwilling to commit your future to the team. You have created the hole you're in and you shouldn't be surprised at the fans' reaction.

A great take on an already fan favourite chant.

At least your timing was spot on. On the day Fabregas was presented as a Barcelona player, kissing the badge to an adoring audience and fan favourite Eboue on the brink of leaving, your tweet made us fans quite angry. A lot more mad since we're all emotional seeing Fabregas in a Barcelona shirt, so your tweet did little to cheer up pessimistic fans. To come out with that tweet, you've dug yourself deeper in your hole. Closer to the exit. Another superstar lost due to greed. *Sigh*.

If you're an Arsenal player, show it. Show us why we shouldn't call you a See you Next Tuesday. We will always get behind the team because we will support Arsenal whatever state the club is in. If you want the respect and love you crave, pass some of the same over to the fans. It's as simple as that. State your commitment to the cause, sign on the dotted line and repay us with your fabulous football technique and maybe, we'll start the lovely positive chants again.

Nanana nanananananananana nananananananan Nasriiii Nasriii, Samir Nasriii

But at the end of the day, don't worry Samir. If you're upset with the fans' chants, call your special friend and he'll comfort you. He'll come and he'll cradle you in his arms, listen to your problems and wash them away. Chamakh, time to get that baby oil.

How Do You Make People Suddenly Angry? Play Swagger Jagger

I never really pay any attention to the X Factor. Whenever I do, it’s just me commenting how much of a sham it all is and wonder why anyone would watch it. Every week in the live televised rounds, people would clog up my Facebook and Twitter timelines with their own commentary on the karaoke contest. But a regular theme through the timelines would be the hate of individual contestants and one that was quite unpopular last year was Cher Lloyd, a 18 year old who looks like she’s chasing so many fashion trends that she’s trying to combine them all to look like she’s fallen out of various wardrobes.

Now, I’ve never really known her. I know her fashion sense is bizarre, her singing style is a collection of “ohh” and rapping and she has various tattoos for whatever reason. The other day, her video and song was officially released after days of anger from the young lady after her single was leaked, I didn’t pay attention to it since I really couldn’t give a rat’s arse over her. I was then interested in the video and single because of the reaction. “It’s a good song….if you turn the sound off” “OMG IT’S WORSE THAN REBECCA BLACK’S FRIDAY” “Sounds like a cat on helium singing with autotune lol”. That was the gist of it. So I watched and listened to it.

 Cher Lloyd with her fans

Now before I say anything else, I am not a music reviewer. I’ve never really reviewed music and this is just an experiment. Here goes.

 

The premise of the song is a massive F you to all of her critics (or “haters” if you want to get modern) and sings it while wearing odd clothes. A quick Google search on “Swagger Jagger” would tell you that it means “a person who always cramp your style” so i.e me for example. But you really don’t need to search the song title for the meaning because the song’s topic is so easy to understand, even her fans would get it.

The only positive thing of this video is probably the SE

The song seems quite unstructured and messy, like a sandwich without the bread or butter, just the filling and it’s its own downfall. Cher has written a song that she doesn’t even know what she wants it to be; the verses is her angrily rapping down a street with bright cartoon visuals spawning from nowhere like an acid trip, the gaps in between the verses and chorus is something from an average club anthem remix, then a slow tempo chorus which Cher Lloyd exercises her vocals and actually properly singing while flirting with the camera (not sure if want) and bopping up and down with her idiotic chums. It’s a complete car crash of a song. 

See, songs to me should always follow a structure of slow verse, building up to the epic chorus. It’s a formula that I believe that works and I don’t know why this song tries to do that in reverse. I feel most of the “energy” focused on the silly “lol I’m rappin’ verses and then the bridge to the slow chorus and it really doesn’t work. It was a bizarre move and signs she's just going for multiple genres, sort of like if the Now! albums were instead songs than albums.

With all these shots of Cher walking down the street, it felt like I was being yelled abuse from a chav

The real thing that did annoy me about the song was the topic. Cher Lloyd here is kicking of an hopefully unsuccessful music career with a song telling critics to bugger off and let her do her thing. Fair enough, responding to haters, what's wrong with that? Main problem - shows she cares too much about negative comments. Takes things too hard. Okay, critics do have a point with her utter poor musical style, but as a human being (lol) she shouldn't care what others think, but rather do her own thing even if it's another possible form of torture.  

I guess the sad thing about this is that it's on its way to Number One. Poor how a song that's trying to be three different genres that really doesn't work will get to top of the charts despite the hatred of the song and the artist. Probably I'm exaggerating. Who knows, maybe another song will spring out of nowhere, be on top spot and make an 18 year old cry. An Amy Winehouse song is likely since she's raised in popularity ever since she died.

Booing A Preseason Friendly? That's Like Heckling A Charity Fun Run

I went to the Emirates Cup on Sunday with friends to watch two matches of hopefully decent football, to taste the atmosphere and have a good time. Although I had a good day and enjoyed the matches, something stuck out like a sore thumb. Booing. At a pre season friendly. A meaningless game which saw us lose the only trophy for the first time in 3 years. Urgh. A bit much, “fans”.

I could see why fans booed - Arsenal proved that they can’t hold a lead for the billionth time, letting Henry’s New York Red Bulls grab a late equaliser after a lazy few minutes and basically handing over the Emirates Cup. It was the same old problems that hadn’t been addressed, same faults that critics were keenly able to point out, but most of all, our confidence hasn’t really changed. Fair enough, I guess. I saw that moment happening and I was annoyed like everyone else. But I never booed. That was a tad too far. If this was a competitive match against say, Wigan and we lost 4-0, that’s when I would have booed. But no, this was just pre season. This is where you mix your fringe players with your first team players with a pinch of youngsters for a test of how your team plays with different tactics, formations, etc. It’s taken not as seriously as say, a cup match, but it’s a time to get to know how well your tactics work. It was quite clear that this was a friendly. 

I was gutted that we had blown it again, but to boo our lads wasn’t exactly going to do anything positive. Sure, I had spent at least £80 on train ticket from Gloucester and the match ticket, but I didn't want to. Maybe it's who I am, not exactly the harshest of people, but to boo, jeer, and insult  the team is never going to rise morale. Booing an already vulnerable team isn’t going to do its confidence any good, sort of like calling a teenage girl fat based on her arse isn’t going to make her feel like eating a giant chocolate cake.

With the boos, it’s clear that the pessimism and negativity has stuck around, sort of like a bad smell. Not like there hasn’t been anything to cheer about, we’re uncertain of the futures of Nasri and Fabregas (most worryingly), let possible transfers pass by and how deadwood players are still in the squad, basically on the dole. The tournament was an opportunity for the team to put on a show for the fans, win with style and raise the spirits of the fans who are increasingly worried about the future of the team as well as the club as a whole. Clearly, we never really fulfilled those targets, but rather stumbled out drunk, wobbling all over the place.  A real shame and with 2 weeks to go before the big kick off, I’m very worried for not only the player’s mentality, but the fan’s attitude.

Wait, hold on - it was a friendly? People were happily chanting "Stand up if you hate Tottenham" and even doing Mexican Waves (Bloody fun, mind) but suddenly conceding a late goal turns it into a super serious MUST WIN game? If fans came into the game on Sunday with the knowledge it was a friendly with no real competitive edge to it, then to have the cheek to boo the players off at full time is an act of stupidity and proves how serious fans are about a meaningless game in a meaningless tournament. Crikey, it's like going to special school.

But it's a time to be reasonable with the situation we're in. Of course, we should be winning games comfortably and winning trophies, but given the the state the team is in, the Premier League increasingly becoming more competitive year in, year out, it's not surprisingly that success isn't coming as natural to the team in an era of mega spending clubs. Arsenal is a big club in terms of support, not really a successful club at the moment. Fans have to lower expectations, I guess. We can't win everything, so we should rather expect a dire 1-1 draw against Blackburn but be rather surprised at thumping Manchester United 3-0. 

All in and all, fans really shouldn't have booed. Doesn't really achieve much over than knocking the player's confidence and just makes out that people were taking a friendly against some bog standard US football team with Henry and Rooney's brother rather too seriously. Wouldn't be surprised if the same people played Call of Duty in the mindset that it's an actual world war.

I'm still about.

Hey. I'm still around. I've had a few months of worrying, working, complementing my future and that's why this blog has been gathering dust for a while. Apologises for that, hopefully activity will pick up again soonish with a proper comeback entry.

K? Cool.

MikeDingDong's End of Season Arsenal Awards

I haven't posted on the blog for a while since I've been revising, worrying about cocking up, finishing games on the Xbox, breathing and eating. I've been busy. I didn't forget this blog and during the time I've not been blogging, I have been thinking of something to do a post on. Funnily enough, it's end of the football season and I thought "Fuck it, I'm doing my own Arsenal awards" and here I am, on the bandwagon with the billion other podcasters and bloggers doing a end of season awards post. Here you go.

The Nick Clegg award for Biggest Fall From Grace

This is for a player who’s gone backwards this season. Arshavin wins this award for going backwards, failing to live up to his apparent World Class skill. He still has World Class at being a lazy meerkat of course, but his failure to pass the ball, shoot accurately has led to constant abuse from the Arsenal fans throughout the season. Did sort of redeem himself with that goal against Barcelona and his hard tackling cameo against Manchester United, but he’s been overall pants this season. Also mentions for Chamakh and Djourou for their recent dips in form.

Greatest Moment Of The Season That Arsenal Fans Will Cream Themselves Remembering Award

There’s one moment of the season that everyone will look back on and go “Ahhh, what a great time” and crack out the lube. It was of course, Arsenal 2 Barcelona 1. Going into the game, it was revenge. Messi managed to embarrass Arsenal at the Nou Camp just by farting skill and made our team cry. Barcelona employed all their unsettling tactics to tempt Fabregas to the Nou Camp and we had to do something about it. Went 1-0 down to a Villa goal after Clichy doing his usual “lol I’m a defender” technique to make Villa onside so he could score. At Half Time it looked grim. We were expected to crumble, Song was going to finally get another yellow card and get sent off and then concede a load of goals. That didn’t happen. Clichy sent a lobbed pass to Van Persie and he somehow scored on the volley despite the tight angle. Shit. We might do this, thought the Arsenal fans. Then the memorable counter attack led by Nasri, runs into the edge of the Barca penalty area to find Arshavin, who slots it in. Unbelievable. What a game, what a moment that was to be an Arsenal fan. We may have lost 3-1 at the Nou Camp in the second leg, but no one else beat Barcelona this season in the Champions League. Phwoar. Time to crack one out, here's the Arshavin goal:

Other moments worthy of a mention are going 3-0 up against Chelsea, beating Manure and Denilson announcing he was leaving.

The Silverste award for Most Naff Player of the Season

Almunia, Squillaci, Denilson have all been outstanding examples of how not to play football and cock up at the worst time. Denilson made 32 appearances with 0 goals or assists, probably due to not being able to pass forward or even be able to pass the ball, Squillaci managed to have such an underwhelming  season with constantly bad performances which made us want Silverste back but the winner has to be Almunia. When he’s about, you’re never going to leave empty handed, if you’re an opposition player. He may not have played many games, but he certainly left his mark with signature moves such as failing to cover your own post, coming out of goal to clear the ball when a player can clear it, or failing to close your legs, something he has in common with Imogen Thomas.  

Seems Almunia will have more time to walk his dog next season

The Andy Gray “TAKE A BOW. TAKE A BO-W” Award for Best Goal

We scored many oh la la goals this season, but Samir Nasri’s “football ballet” technique for his goals in the 2-1 win over Fulham both grab the award. A bit hard to separate the two goals because they’re both exceptionally great goals and show signs of the World Class form of the French lesbian. Other contenders is Van Persie’s near impossible volley against Barcelona, Arshavin’s finish against Barcelona, Van Persie’s sliding volley against Wigan and Bendtner’s turn and curling shot against Ipswich.

The Michael Cera Award for Most Awkward Moment of the Season

Arsenal this season have had their fair share of moments where they have just scraped a result such as the late goals against Huddersfield and Leeds but this award has to go to the moment when Manuel Almunia realised that Jens Lehmann was returning to Arsenal on a short term contract. Imagine the dressing room when Almunia and Lehmann were in there together? It must have been silent with Eboue on hand to break the silence with a light hearted joke.

Gaffe of the season That Made Arsenal Fans Get Abused For The Most By Schoolmates and Workmates Award

Only one real contender, that moment in the Carling Cup Final. That goal caused by Koscielny and Szczęsny being unable to decide who should have the ball. Christ. I was in a Xbox Live Party Chat and I got laughed at and jeered at. The next day at school, friends logged on and played that clip on the school computers. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. But at least they got relegated, becoming the first team to ever win the Carling Cup then get relegated. Heh heh. Other mentions go to the Newcastle comeback game, Eboue’s trip on Lucas to give Liverpool a last minute penalty and any Almunia cock up.

L'oreal Award for Best Hairstyle 

Has to be Alex Song. Song's blonde/grey hair is probably the reason why he's played so well this season and it certainly trumps Chamakh's messy mohawk/bird hairstyle.

Strut 1, 2, 3, 4 and pose.

Player That Was Moderately Better Than Last Season Award

While there has been players who seem to have gone backward rather than forward, there's been players who have improved well. I'll give this one to Łukasz Fabiański for his rise from ashes like a phoenix at the beginning of the season. When the Godfather of goalkeeping howlers got injured, fans rejoiced that Almunia wasn't going to be playing then quickly remembered that his calamity junior was going to be playing instead. Oh shit we all went. But ever since that penalty save and then World Class save against FK Partizan, he started to come out as a great Polish goalkeeper and we finally had someone that was confident enough to pull off save after save without any howlers. His season sadly ended with a shoulder injury and I feel bad for the lad after his fine performances during his stint. He'll likely be number two in the goalkeeping line up behind Szczęsny, but it'll be an interesting battle for the Number 1 spot next season. A player worthy of mention is Walcott as he's no longer that player who could run faster than anyone else and suddenly became better at crossing and finishing.

The Player Who Was Better Than All The Rest and Made Everyone Look Awful Award

Tough one this, a range of candidates for this award. I’m tempted to give this to Van Persie who has had his best goal scoring season at Arsenal, but he’s only really been around in the 2^nd half of the season and this award is for Player of the Season, not Player of the 2^nd half of the Season. He would win player of the 2^nd half of the season hands down purely because he was the player that constantly did well while everyone else were too busy booking for their summer holidays, but the winner of this award has to go to Jack Wilshere. I continually praise his no nonsense, passionate performances because he plays like he wants to play, unlike say, Denilson. He puts in 100% every game, extremely confident and had a memorable performance against Barcelona. He may not have the best shots on him (Wished he could still do this) or many goals or assists, but his effort is admirable, a great role model for younger footballers. Other contenders are Bacary LaSagna and Samir Nasri.

AV v FPTP

On Thursday ^5th May, voters will vote on the issue of using AV to elect our MPs into Parliament. If you’re completely unaware of the whole referendum (really?) or don’t have a clue what AV is, read on.

First off, Alternative Vote. Voters will get a single vote and instead of scribing a cross in the candidate of your choice, you number your candidates in preference. AV is a majority system which the winner must achieve 50% + 1 vote to win. If a candidate has the highest of the 1^st preference votes but doesn’t achieve a majority, 2^nd preferences are added on, then 3^rd preferences and so on until one candidate is the winner and he/she goes on to represent the constituency in Parliament. How do the pair compare? Let’s see.

Representation

First Past the Post isn’t a fair representational electoral system when used for an election with multiple candidates. This is because the winning candidate of a constituency could achieve 35% of the electorate’s votes and represent the constituency, but what about the remaining 65% of voters who didn’t vote for that candidate? Is this representational of a constituency where only a minority of the voters want the candidate to represent the area? AV does help resolve this problem by being a majority electoral system but a candidate can win on 2nd preferences.

Mandate

Links with representation here. A winning candidate can win with 37% of the electorate’s vote, but it isn’t so much a strong mandate when only a minority support the candidate. Only a third of elected MPs currently in Parliament won 50% of the votes, not so much a strong mandate there, eh? Since a winner under AV requires a majority of the votes to win, the MP has a greater mandate to go on and represent his/her constituency in Parliament. AV can flush out some of the “weaker” MPs. 

Easy to understand?

FPTP is easy to understand; winner is candidate with most votes. AV however can seem complicated, but really isn’t when it boils down to just ranking in preference your candidates. There are far more “confusing” electoral systems than AV. AMS and it’s D’Hondt system anyone?

Tactical voting 

A major flaw of FPTP is tactical voting where voters vote against a candidate and vote for the 2^nd likeliest winning candidate to attempt to block the candidate from winning the seat. Under AV, it can be partly resolved where you could for example wish for the Tory candidate to not get the seat, so you could vote the Labour candidate as your 1^st preference and the Conservative candidate last.

Equal votes

Under FPTP, if a voter doesn’t vote for the winning candidate, his/her vote is wasted. Under AV, the ability to rank in preference your candidates means that you do have an equal vote to other vote and even if you didn’t vote for Labour, Conservatives or Liberal Democrats, your 4^th or 5^th preferences still can have a say. 

Democratic?

First Past the Post favours a two party system between the Labour and Conservative parties and safe seats. Under AV, it's slightly more democratic, but note I said "slight". Under AV, Liberal Democrats would benefit from the system as they're the third biggest political party and seen as an alternative party to vote for, therefore a noted second preference. The claims made that AV would benefit BNP is wrong. It would be quite extreme for the party to win a seat on fifth and sixth preferences which the No to AV campaign is making out to be something that could very well happen. Plus the BNP are campaigning against AV, so why would it benefit a party that doesn't even want the system? 

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Personally, if I could vote, I would vote yes. Partly because I think it’s a better electoral system but then again, any other system is. I’m all for proportional representation since it’s right for modern UK Politics and First Past the Post is a system that’s failed to stand the test of time and serves no place in UK Politics since we have multiple political parties and it’s undemocratic to use a electoral system that favours a two party system.

If AV was to be used in UK General Elections, then it would be rather a stumble than a step forward. AV is a better system, but it’s not the desired system that we, the public want. That’s why we feel cheated. We finally get a referendum on electoral reform and we get a half arsed one since it’s a compromise. To think, if the Liberal Democrats hadn’t been so weak to the Conservatives and stood their ground, we would have a referendum on STV, what everyone really wants. This feels like a once in a lifetime opportunity to get rid of the ancient First Past the Post system and we’re being offered a weak alternative. Alternative vote.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP 18: Waterloo Road Struts Its Stuff

(I finally did something!)

Last episode, Lauren and Amy strolled into school looking like two girls who have seen one too many Madonna music videos and everyone pointed and laughed at how awful they looked. Karen however, decided that the kids might as well have a fashion show to express their fashion talents. Oh here we go. Ronan thought this would be a great opportunely to show off his fashion and make up skills to charm the socks off Vicki, who he snogged last episode. The young lady described it as a "I waz lyke well hung, u know like" snog but then tried to soften the blow by agreeing that it was a "friend snog". Ronan was gutted, but he's Ronan, a charming young man and he won't stop until he meets his goal. Out of the blue came his mentor, Will Mellor of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps fame, out of his shiny, fancy car with his white shirt, leather jacket and sunglasses, the sort of look that women seem to like, particularity Vicki who quivered at the knees instantly.

Adanna didn't like the whole event because it "objectified" the kids (She truly is a diet Kim) and especially after he showed up. You see, they had a bit of history in which they hooked up and you can figure out the rest and I had the sneaky feeling that some man from her past was going to pop up after she said she's been married 3 times. Anyway, the writers made Vicki a girl with low self esteem of her own appearance, but since Ronan cares about her, he got his good ol' buddy Dan to try and make her cheer up about herself (Quite cliche) and she was given a fancy dress and even some lunch! Vicki was infatuated by Dan's charms and went in for the snog with Adanna popping up to immediately think the worse, especially after the whole Bex/Hodgy affair. "I don't date kids!" he proclaimed! Crikey, an adult that doesn't like children, something that's quite rare in the Waterloo Road universe.

 Couldn't help but laugh with Ronan discovered Vicki and Dan hugging when he had make up on and flashing his bare chest.

Miss McDonald stormed off and she was clearly embarrassed by the whole affair, even offending Ronan's handy work. Vicki hugged Dan as a thank you, but oh dear, cue Ronan to assume that he was trying to get it on with Vicki. She was upset and after realising how the effort that Ronan put in turning a picnic blanket into a dress, she decided to wear it and boy, she looked fab-u-lous in it. So there you go, Ronan scores the girl he wanted to take advantage of at the party. At least he did it by winning her heart, not waiting until she's pissed and a bit worse for wear.

Cesca and Jonah weren't worrying about being caught out this episode, but rather what they should do about the foetus inside Cesca. She was adamant about aborting their baby, much to the sadness of Jonah who begged that she reconsidered. But all it took to change her mind in the end was a soppy and cheesy call from her hunk to make her think twice about the abortion and for her reward, he proposed to her in the suspiciously always empty art room. Oh wow. Talk about moving too fast, Jonah. By snogging Jonah's face off, she meant yes and they celebrated by having a session in the room, but oh no, cue Ronan to pop up and be completely gob smacked about seeing his mate baring his chest and Cesca in a tank top looking all guilty. Oh aye aye, señor.

 Waterloo Road pay homage to The Deer Hunter.

Denzil is up to no good with Kyle who are both doing dangerous things for money. What's the dangerous event this episode? Downing large bottles of fizzy drinks. Hardcore. One girl (Can't remember her name) opposed this reckless behaviour and couldn't see the fun in boys pissing themselves because they can't handle chugging bottles of cheap lemonade. So with the bets in, it was Harry, Denzil, Kyle and some random boy competing together to win some money and to see who has the largest bladder. Harry pulled off his signature move and so did the extra to set up Kyle v Denzil, a real Frost v Nixon duel. Kyle pissed himself so Denzil won, most to the disapproval of that girl, but he didn't care because he won some money. He did however spew up near the fashion show stage, which is a shame because if it were on the catwalk, it would have certainly livened up the show with girls in heels attempting to dodge the sick while looking like they fell out of a wardrobe of charity clothes.

Grantly reads extracts of Katie Price's new book.

Ruby was given a push from Grantly to write a novel and she attempted to write a romance novel. Grantly proof read what she did so far and from his description, we could see it was all sex with no plot, rather like your average porn film. Ruby enlisted Grantly to help her turn this bargain bin soft porn novel into a Jane Austin novel which if Grantly was writing, would have some sarky character that mutters a one liner every scene. Certainly would have liven up Pride and Prejudice.

Guess Who's Back? No, It's Not Slim Shady.

Yeah, I am. Finally. Well, 2 weeks off school and you can sit there and go "Yeah, fucking yes, no school, nice weather" but then it suddenly hits you that you've got AS Level exams after the break and a stack load of revision to do during the break. Brilliant. High workload when it finally gets warm. It's like we have been teased, we can go outside and play in the sun, but then suddenly feel bad that you playing football in the park is you neglecting your studies. Tut tut me.

Anyway, I'm back on the blog. I've missed out on so many blog entries other the past few weeks which could have pulled in more views, but no, coursework is a top priority. I have semi watched Waterloo Road episodes 18-20, will be typing my failure commentaries when I get the chance, not really thinking of doing the individual commentary on each one episode when I could just condense the 3 episodes into one commentary. Lightens the workload and lets me experience more of this warm weather we're getting lately.

From what I've seen of series 6, I doubt I would be watching the next series of Waterloo Road because it's got to a point where I'm purely watching to produce half arsed commentary thingys on the episodes, trying to produce a decent joke or two when I can't. First half of the series I enjoyed doing because I didn't feel like I had any pressure on me and didn't have much of a workload, but blogging about the second half of the series has taken its toll on me and I've come out of it thinking I'm no good at this writing lark. The hiatus has made me reflect on why the recent entries have been awful-ish. It's due to pressure from two sources; schoo as I've been trying to boost my grades and also, "fan" pressure. This blog has always been a side project of mine and isn't that much of a high priority, so I wasn't going to fart out top notch posts when I've got coursework, revision and various other issues to deal with. Sort of a shame because I hate disappointing people and I have recently so I put my hand up and apologise. Obviously, you must understand and possibly sympathise with me, I don't know.

Always, Media coursework almost finished, needs another day of work and I'll be satisfied. Well, all but the trailer, since I had to record most of the narration and came to the realisation I sound like an unattractive nerd that plays World of Warcraft all day. Ewww, I know. Sadtimes. English Language coursework is currently at a C grade, 1 or 2 marks of a B grade, but I'm pushing for a A grade so if I get a C in the exam, I should get a B overall. I always put my best effort in coursework and get the highest mark I can possibly get so it acts as a safety net if I cock up as bad as an Arsenal centre back. Economics is going... well not great, it seems what I've been taught has gone through one ear and out the other. BUGGER. But good news for Politics, a subject I have high hopes for, a subject that I could easily get a B grade in since you only need 70/100 to get a B, which is awesome. Last 6 exam questions I've done have all been marked as B grades so if I can do that in the exam, that would be superb.

So yeah, back on the blog now. I'll stop typing now since I realise that I've been rambling like I've been talking about electoral systems to a person who doesn't give a shit and I'm sure you would probably agree.

K, bye.

General Notice

Hey guys, I'm busy with work so I'm going to even slower with posting blog updates and it should ease the workload on me so I'll be able to post content at the quality that I usually work at, not half arsed Waterlulz Commentaries. I have getting complaints and I agree with them, they are shoddy at the moment. I blame my work load for that since I'm putting most of my time and effort into Media Studies and English Language coursework which are both massive pains in the arse. I'm not sure how this would go, perhaps I'll be slow on updating or not post at all. I do like blogging but it's going to the side for the moment.

So I'll errr be back in a bit then. Yeah?

- Mike

Waterlulz Road S6 EP17 - New Danger in Youth Culture - DAYTIME RAVES.

This week, Ronan and Finn planned to have a party at a "departed" and "unused" warehouse in order to get some girls (mainly Ronan scoring Vicki) and have a general laugh with each other. For some reason, they decided to have it straight after school, rather not at night when most parties usually happen. A party in the daytime? Ha, you Waterloo Road kids are living the dream. Ronan and Finn smuggled all the supplies in a rather Chuckle Brothers style and the party was set. To make it better, they found some alcohol under some covers which anyone else would realise that this superposed unused warehouse is playing host to something else

With teeth that white, does he use the same teeth whitening product as Richard Hammond? 

So the party kicked off and was going well. I was honestly waiting for the warehouse to suddenly crumble and injure and kill a load of people like what happened a few years ago on Neighbours (yes, I did watch that, don't judge) but instead, a gang of men turned up to question why everyone was drinking their alcohol and why girls bodies were on show. One man squared up to Sambuca who wasn't afraid of gruff men like him, but Finn wanted to look all tough and "hard" infront of her so he squared up to him, but thank God for Tom Clarkson, who stopped Finn getting battered (fish joke, ha) and single handily told the naughty gang to go away. Bravo. Other than the thug incident, the party went well; Finn and Sambuca kissed and made up, Ronan got some Vicki (made his pants sticki) and Janeece, the trendy mother she is, had a good time.

After his previous saving the day attempts and man handling bad guys, I think he should have his own spin off series where he quits teaching and becomes a renegade police detective, with a shiny Audi and could have Josh as his wise cracklin' side kick. This has to happen for reals. Don't steal my idea, TV people.

Looks like Amy and Lauren have been watching a load of Madonna music videos.

Cesca has officially been knocked up by ridiculously white teethed Jonah Kirby, who almost stupidly everyone told who he got prego at the daytime rave. He plans to now quit school and get a full time job because he thinks that changing nappies and looking after your missus is better than getting an education. His job search was found out by his sister, Ruth, who's appearance came so out of the blue, you'll be forgiven if you didn't know she was. He's determined to drop school for his missus in order to provide for her, which you could call gentlemen like, but is she really worth it? With a oh-la-la body like that, it is.

Yay! The Hodge/Bex/Jess storyline has ended! Bex was back with that Hodge bloke in order to stop any footage of Jess being uploaded to his lovely site. Jess told Karen and Chris that she's met her and wants to bring her back so Jess meets Hodge and he tries her away, much to the disapproval of Karen, who really should of chased the pair by car rather than a frantic run. She was taken to their pad and instead of saying bye to Bex, she was going to star in a non-family friendly movie. Bex managed to get text Karen Hodge's address in which Karen and Chris raced over to and found Jess lying on a bed. "He's taken her. I couldn't stop him" she uttered. Well, if you shagged him, I think you would of stopped him for a couple of minutes. But actually, he and Bex didn't get that far and only got to a bridge where Bex vented at him and good thing she did that since some nice Policemen popped up and took him away. Pretty dramatic. Even had knock off Requiem for a Dream music in the background, now that's what you need for a cheap drama scene.

Also, well done to BBC iPlayer for cocking up the preview image for the episode:

Waterloo Road S6 EP16 - Sex(y) Bex

Finally! We find out about Bex’s past and it wasn't something that the family would approve of. She was revealed to be an amateur pornstar, opening her legs for money for her and so Hodge wouldn't show her family her new job. This stunning revelation was discovered by Wayne who's the definition of a sexist pig; he's mental and obsessed about women's jugs and genitalia who casually strolls around with one hand on his phone flicking through porn and his other hand on his you-what-what.

Harry's bulimia is returning, then.

After a random search on a site, he stumbled upon Bex stretching and doing suggestive poses on a bed and immediately showed his buddies and eventually everyone after making posters of her doing a seductive pose in some lacy undies. Finn being the good boy he is now, tried to stop this video being leaked and it did. To Tom and Karen. Oh very dear. However Karen was supportive of her daughter, determined that this Hodge will be taken down for child abuse, but Bex isn't able to go through it due to those painful memories, unsurprising really, I wouldn't want to be shagged by a man with the knowledge that many horny teenagers will be jerking off to it.

This sudden revelation couldn't of happened on any other day on Head Captain election day with Bex running against Jonah who too has a dirty secret. Who knows, her campaign slogan could "Vote for me, complimentary handjobs for all". Bex and Jess were being honest, just handing out fliers with "Vote Bex", but she might as well used her poses in lingerie as her campaign flyer as it was likely to boost votes and male erections. However, Ronan's grand idea to get Jonah the win was to photoshop his head onto a muscular body, presumably Taylor Lautner, famous for having more screentime topless than time having clothes on. People were impressed, but not everyone wants to see Jonah's photoshopped body, but his actual policy. 

What was wrong with a "Yes We Can" campaign, Jonah? 

Bex won the contest after a powerful speech from her mother and herself (Wayne should get a thank you card ) but she's unable to take up her new role as she's back having unwanted sex with Hodge in order to prevent the footage of Jess riding his disco stick being uploaded onto the internet. Awww, that's family love right there. 


By default, Jonah gets the Head Pupil role. I bet Cesca loves a boy with authority. The morally wrong couple continued their awkward scenes this week with both anxious, especially Cesca and as Wayne suggested to Finn about Sambuca, maybe "she needs a good seeing to". They manage to resolve their issues and agree to act like a proper couple, still being secret but that's not going to last long in dramaland. To prove how serious she is, she's given notorious womaniser Tom Clarkson the slip by semi telling him the truth that she's getting serious with someone. Poor Tom. His womanising charms only seem to work on staff members and he's not got a lot of choice other than Adanna and Karen. Definition of scraping the barrel. 

Funnily enough, this episode centred on sexism and porn aired a day after International Women Day.

Last week reformed bad boy Finn Sharkly took the reins of being Denzil's mentor, angering Sambuca, Rochdale's answer to Kristen Dunst. He wasn't really doing himself any favours when she appeared at the wrong time, getting the wrong end of the stick as he was seen to showing Denzil some porn. Sambuca is annoyed about Finn and constantly keeps whinging how bad Finn is, but Amy and Lauren saw something; she fancied him in a love/hate way. Weird, I know. Sambuca realised that she was in the wrong and they kissed and made up (literally) and good on them. Denzil however didn't seem too pleased, it being played for comedy, he could of put his arms up in the air and pulled a sigh face.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP15: The Penny Drops for Karen

Karen has been in charge of the dump since the start of Series 6 and proved to be popular with most fans, with some undecided and the followers of the Rachel Mason cult didn't really like her because she obviously wasn't Rachel and she didn't spend her time being a superhero for a single character who was likely to bugger off after that episode.

So it was all about Harry v Karen this episode with everyone banging on at Harry that he's currently failing his grades and if he keeps at this level, he'll fail school, have no job, get on drugs, have no house and generally fail at everything. He puts it down to his mother's ethnics and how arrogant she is including not letting him see his dad (is he still in t'Corrie land?), but she's having no bad talk about her so he keeps telling him to shut up. In order to stir some drama, the little scamp stole Karen's phone and used it to frighten and infuriate staff members by sending emails of "You're not very good at your job" (hence why they work at Waterloo Road) and "Come to my office for a verbal spanking".

Harry's Ninja skills at work here.

As long term fans would know, Grantly likes to pull the Teacher's union card whenever he gets upset on something and this was no different. He called for a union rep to get Karen at least suspended for these emails. This set up an event in the corridor to let everyone vent about Karen believing that it was fine to do so considering she had apparently sent these emails. Two wrongs don't make a right etc etc. Grantly and Ruby did have a lunchtime "date" together to which made Ruby nervous after Janeece suggesting that Grantly fancied her. To be fair to Janeece, anyone could of said that when there's blatant chemistry together with their book swaps and comedy scenes. Plus John isn't about so they can do whatever the bloody hell they want to, as long as they're being discreet about it.

Discreet did I say? Cesca and Jonah are going to need to look that word up in the dictionary after Harry's antics did cause a bit of tension between Cesca and Jonah (not that sort) when Cesca received an email about an certain "incident" and blimey, if Cesca and Jonah had come out then, Harry probably would of got a pat on the back for that one. Funny how them nearly getting found out made them even less secretive with their conversations being in the art room that's funnily enough always empty (No Kim, that's why), the bike shed and even bonking in the cleaning cupboard. Next weeks episode: Cesca and Jonah have a session in the school library with Jonah putting his hand on her throat to feel how the Spanish moan their pleasure.

It all got resolved after Harry owned to the emails and she wasn't too pleased about her son being her unofficial messenger. Harry had another "You're a controlling person, you don't listen" rant, Karen finally realised that she's not exactly been the best of mothers or Headteacher, so apologised to everyone and even had a mother/son bonding moment on the stairs and went out for pizza, the obvious choice when peace making.

Karen Fisher angry - What a surprise.

I think the problem with Karen is that she's elitist and ignorant. Being the big cheese means that she's all powerful over the students and staff making her opinion more important than whatever someone says and thinks making her understandably a hate figure. You know, someone talks to you and you know that they're talking to you but you're not really listening because you're wondering what's for dinner tonight. Also if we're getting picky at her, I don't like her voice. I mean come on, everytime she says "What is this?" she sounds like she's trembling and about to cry.

Segregation between girls and boys looks even more doomed after this week with the girls continuing to embarrass the boys in class results. A plan to get the boys looking brilliant and marvellous was running as a smart arse businessman visited the school to do a business enterprise which was essentially just a diet  Dragons Den. It all seemed to go all tits up when Kyle Haystack's great idea to recycle sewage water back into the kitchens for re-use was meet with the same reaction as watching The Human Centipede for the first time. It also got stormed by a load of girls who were whining over being left out but all they think of was a dating website as if there wasn't already a load of those ALREADY.

Tom uses the "Actions speak louder than words" approach when judging Kyle's idea.

In a twist to the Bex v Hodge storyline, Jess stupidly agreed to meet up with him despite the obvious freakouts everytime he was mentioned or when his Hodge radar was beeping. She found out that he was an alright bloke and a bit of a charmer, so of course it felt right to book a hotel room and have a Night in Paris session. However, next week we'll find out about Bex's mysterious absence and what this means for her and Jess. I'm not really fussed unless I manage to get a copy of the sexy business.

Waterlulz S6 EP14: Grrr bloody foreigners taking our jobs

Waterloo Road seemed to get racist this week when new caretaker Lukas Wisniewski happened to be Polish, the one country everyone thinks about when they think of the term “foreigners”. He was delighted to get the job whereas someone’s dad (Jeff from Peep Show) missed out. His son Matthew is a bright pupil at Waterloo Road and is chums with the local bad boy, Kyle HayStack and he wasn’t too pleased about it. He stumbled upon the man who won the job and the normally not racist Matthew went on a massive “bloody foreigners taking our jobs” rant and Kyle got involved as well. Lukas obviously wasn’t impressed by this prejudice by the boys and marched up to Chris Mead in order to get something done about it.

Lukas: I want to make a complaint!

Chris: Is there a problem?

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ruby meanwhile expressed her right wing views on immigrants and no one was really impressed about her views and in effect encouraged Matt and Kyle’s actions against Mr. Wisniewski causing everyone especially Adanna and Cesca to stare at her and whisper “racist”.  Not really surprisingly from her, she’s the Queen snob of Rochdale, probably reads the Daily Mail and wants everything to be perfect. She thought that Grantly would see the same way but she got the response of “I hate everybody but I hate them all equally” so there you go, he may have a lack of tolerance, but even Grantly of all people isn't a racist.

BEING RACIST IS FUN!

It became clear where Matt got his views from – his dad. He was only doing it because he wanted his approval and Kyle was bumming up to his dad that he was jealous and wanted his approval. They decided to kick some chairs, pour some liquid over things, clog the sinks and even rip Lukas’ photo of himself and his son. They thought this would drive him away and of course it would upset him, but it was always going to do more harm to themselves seeing how they’re causing utter destruction around the school and getting kicked out for being two racists.

Matt stole Mr. Wisniewski's phone and was obviously annoyed so he threatened him but got found by Chris and co and had to go to the Headteacher's office. He was threatened with suspension but after retrieving his phone from Matt and heard from his son, he decided "Screw this place, I'm buggering off back to Poland to be with my son again". So Matt and Kyle *kind* of won, he's leaving the country. I'm sad to see him go as he could of been a decent character in the series to add a bit of diversity, but there you go, another character to disappear without no mention ever again. Sigh.

“I’m not against Mr. Wisniewski because he’s Polish, he’s just not British” – Prime example of the term "own goal".

But it wasn't over yet. Dave marched into school and wanted to fight the man who stole his job but he was thankfully stopped and made a fool of when it was know that he was offered the job, but couldn't be arsed to turn up. See Matt? All that trouble for nothing. This whole episode was just a massive finger up to people with fascist views, mainly the BNP. This struck a chord in my head when Cesca said “You give these people a platform, you give these people a profile” which effectively summed up the controversy about BNP leader Nick Griffin’s appearance on Question Time last year. 

Meanwhile, Ronan had another scheme and it was to sell exam papers to the other pupils in order to earn some doss as usual. Janeece seemed to be smarter than what Ronan credits her for and told Grantly to do another test instead. Mwhahahaha. Fake tanned secretary thwarts Del Boy Ronan’s money making scheme but like every other villain, he vows to continue his schemes for profit.

Elsewhere, Jonarrrrrrr is still obsessing about Spain’s next Top Model and she’s not that keen on Jonah and uses Tom to try and cover up her feelings for Jonah. Cesca at the moment is all ”This is morally wrong and I shouldn’t do this but oh well, sex IS sex!” She visited Tom who has become afraid of the big world after his beating by Nate’s dad and threw a massive strop like a 5 year old because he didn't want to go out so instead they stayed in and had some pizza. She went home, Jonah was there waiting for her on her doorstep (bloody big door!) and the pair had a special kind of Spanish tutoring. Cesca loved it, he loved and it was Jonah’s first time making Cesca pull a priceless face.

God, Tom is going to go apeshit when he realises his love rival is Jonah, the result of Taylor Lautner and Bolton Smiley in a Blender.

If Cesca was in the room, my nipples wouldn't be erect, but my you-know-what would be.

With Bex suddenly being rich after receiving a wad of cash last week, she and jess decided to go out and buy dresses to go out clubbing. To ruin the moment, Hodge is on the scene who walks around like a camp Terminator and spots Bex and wants to chat leading to dramatic confrontation between the pair in a parking lot. She throws the money over the edge, tots off and we're still wondering what the dickens she was up to with that Hodge. Apparently she wasn't a Lady of the night so I'm guessing that the duo were burglars that specialised in nicking biscuits. Not Jaffa cakes, they're not real biscuits.

I don’t know what happens next week after watching that trailer, but all I know is that shit hits the fan and everyone is mad for some reason. Might be their times of the month.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP13: Being Gay Is Like Losing A Son

So the issue that was going to tackled was the social acceptance of homosexual relationships. So Josh and Nate are now in a relationship and Tom is casually fine with them both after a bit of persuasion from Cesca. Nate’s dad on the other hand was concerned why his son was a bit distant recently and when he walked past a wall with “Nate loves Josh” he knew why.

“Nate loves Josh? Ha, is this some kind of joke?”

“Hi Mr Gurney, I’m Josh”

“.....what”

It’s like this show is done for laughs most of the time.

So Nate’s dad wasn’t going to have any of it and ran about all guns blazing homophobic thoughts. Waterloo Road of course has to put a twist on things as usual and attaches the pain of losing a family member in the Middle East and Nate’s dad believes that his son being gay means he’s lost another son. Blimey, it’s like the writers hired Jan Moir to do the plots. Matthew Gurney had a confrontation with his son realised that he is gay. Now we could of ended it there we would of shut off that plot there, but no. He wasn’t easy on the idea of his son being in a relationship yet and decided that he should stay away from Josh causing sheep hair to feel all depressed. But no, Nate inspired by the power of love told his dad to bugger off and let him and Josh be together. 

Nate’s dad does get the message but still feels bitter about it and decides that kicking Tom’s head in would be a great way to vent. While all this was happening, good ol’ Tom was back in his womaniser role which only seems to be able to charm his work colleagues suddenly fancies Cesca probably because she revealed that she likes football and does know the offside rule.  Insert Sian Massey joke here.  He even invited her out for a drink and she agreed with Tom using the irritating and “you know what he’s up to” line “It’s a date!”.

 Don't worry Tom, women do like the odd wound.

While Tom was planning how to get his “swag” on, Jonah and Cesca looked to be on the rocks after Cesca suddenly thought “Wait, this is totally unprofessional” and wanted Jonah to bugger off and shark some girl his own age. Jonah even went in for a kiss but got a slap from Cesca but he was totally fine with her playing hard to get. After Tom got battered by Mr. Gurney, Cesca ditched him in favour of some Jonah company because she just wanted a cuddle with him. Cesca can’t even make her mind up about Jonah, she’s like a child who saves up for a console, realises it’s a load of manure and then suck up to it in order to block out the feelings of buyer’s remorse.  

So there you go, Josh and Nate get to be together, Tom got can’t even score Cesca because she’s too busy having awkward Spanish oral lessons with Jonah’s mouth and got beaten up in the same evening. Maybe he should just date someone out of work that has no relation to anyone in the school and there will be less trouble then.

The slap - A common move for Miss. Montoya

Janeece’s dream of becoming a teacher took a positive step as she decided to give classes in the skills of being a PA. Girls signed up but no boys did and Adanna wasn’t going to allow the course to go ahead unless at least one boy signed up because she didn’t want the course to be viewed sexist but the role of a PA is a well known job for females as 9/10 of female applicants will give the job because their employer wants a bit on the side. Many males were approached on the idea including Del Boy Ronan, who signed up after seeing the mother load of stationery in the stationery cupboard and wanted to start flogging pens instead of poor quality filmed movies.

Ruby once again filled the void of the comedy duo of Steph in the partnership this week with Grantly rewarding last week’s cleaning efforts of his house with tickets for them both to see An Inspector Calls. Ruby wanted to read up on the play before she read it but was caught with an edition of the play’s transcript and Grantly accused her of not being literature savvy with Ruby countering his accusation by whipping out her copy of Jilly Cooper’s Wicked, insisting he’ll love it. Ruby had to read Madame Bovary in return and both characters loved the books with their bond growing stronger and stronger. I feel like this pair will have an affair, I mean, where's John these days?

HAI BEX

Hodge popped up and was bothering Bex this week as usual and even he turned up at the school with an awkward moment involving him waving at Bex like they're best buddies. These days something like that doesn't look right. He convinced her to have a meeting in the park when he gave the audience an idea of her antics when she was missing. He also sent Bex an envelope stuffed full of cash as a present and Bex started crying. I assume Bex was a prossie and ol' Hodge was a pimp scoring her clients not being selling dodgy DVDs, then.