Waterlulz S6 EP14: Grrr bloody foreigners taking our jobs

Waterloo Road seemed to get racist this week when new caretaker Lukas Wisniewski happened to be Polish, the one country everyone thinks about when they think of the term “foreigners”. He was delighted to get the job whereas someone’s dad (Jeff from Peep Show) missed out. His son Matthew is a bright pupil at Waterloo Road and is chums with the local bad boy, Kyle HayStack and he wasn’t too pleased about it. He stumbled upon the man who won the job and the normally not racist Matthew went on a massive “bloody foreigners taking our jobs” rant and Kyle got involved as well. Lukas obviously wasn’t impressed by this prejudice by the boys and marched up to Chris Mead in order to get something done about it.

Lukas: I want to make a complaint!

Chris: Is there a problem?

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ruby meanwhile expressed her right wing views on immigrants and no one was really impressed about her views and in effect encouraged Matt and Kyle’s actions against Mr. Wisniewski causing everyone especially Adanna and Cesca to stare at her and whisper “racist”.  Not really surprisingly from her, she’s the Queen snob of Rochdale, probably reads the Daily Mail and wants everything to be perfect. She thought that Grantly would see the same way but she got the response of “I hate everybody but I hate them all equally” so there you go, he may have a lack of tolerance, but even Grantly of all people isn't a racist.

BEING RACIST IS FUN!

It became clear where Matt got his views from – his dad. He was only doing it because he wanted his approval and Kyle was bumming up to his dad that he was jealous and wanted his approval. They decided to kick some chairs, pour some liquid over things, clog the sinks and even rip Lukas’ photo of himself and his son. They thought this would drive him away and of course it would upset him, but it was always going to do more harm to themselves seeing how they’re causing utter destruction around the school and getting kicked out for being two racists.

Matt stole Mr. Wisniewski's phone and was obviously annoyed so he threatened him but got found by Chris and co and had to go to the Headteacher's office. He was threatened with suspension but after retrieving his phone from Matt and heard from his son, he decided "Screw this place, I'm buggering off back to Poland to be with my son again". So Matt and Kyle *kind* of won, he's leaving the country. I'm sad to see him go as he could of been a decent character in the series to add a bit of diversity, but there you go, another character to disappear without no mention ever again. Sigh.

“I’m not against Mr. Wisniewski because he’s Polish, he’s just not British” – Prime example of the term "own goal".

But it wasn't over yet. Dave marched into school and wanted to fight the man who stole his job but he was thankfully stopped and made a fool of when it was know that he was offered the job, but couldn't be arsed to turn up. See Matt? All that trouble for nothing. This whole episode was just a massive finger up to people with fascist views, mainly the BNP. This struck a chord in my head when Cesca said “You give these people a platform, you give these people a profile” which effectively summed up the controversy about BNP leader Nick Griffin’s appearance on Question Time last year. 

Meanwhile, Ronan had another scheme and it was to sell exam papers to the other pupils in order to earn some doss as usual. Janeece seemed to be smarter than what Ronan credits her for and told Grantly to do another test instead. Mwhahahaha. Fake tanned secretary thwarts Del Boy Ronan’s money making scheme but like every other villain, he vows to continue his schemes for profit.

Elsewhere, Jonarrrrrrr is still obsessing about Spain’s next Top Model and she’s not that keen on Jonah and uses Tom to try and cover up her feelings for Jonah. Cesca at the moment is all ”This is morally wrong and I shouldn’t do this but oh well, sex IS sex!” She visited Tom who has become afraid of the big world after his beating by Nate’s dad and threw a massive strop like a 5 year old because he didn't want to go out so instead they stayed in and had some pizza. She went home, Jonah was there waiting for her on her doorstep (bloody big door!) and the pair had a special kind of Spanish tutoring. Cesca loved it, he loved and it was Jonah’s first time making Cesca pull a priceless face.

God, Tom is going to go apeshit when he realises his love rival is Jonah, the result of Taylor Lautner and Bolton Smiley in a Blender.

If Cesca was in the room, my nipples wouldn't be erect, but my you-know-what would be.

With Bex suddenly being rich after receiving a wad of cash last week, she and jess decided to go out and buy dresses to go out clubbing. To ruin the moment, Hodge is on the scene who walks around like a camp Terminator and spots Bex and wants to chat leading to dramatic confrontation between the pair in a parking lot. She throws the money over the edge, tots off and we're still wondering what the dickens she was up to with that Hodge. Apparently she wasn't a Lady of the night so I'm guessing that the duo were burglars that specialised in nicking biscuits. Not Jaffa cakes, they're not real biscuits.

I don’t know what happens next week after watching that trailer, but all I know is that shit hits the fan and everyone is mad for some reason. Might be their times of the month.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP13: Being Gay Is Like Losing A Son

So the issue that was going to tackled was the social acceptance of homosexual relationships. So Josh and Nate are now in a relationship and Tom is casually fine with them both after a bit of persuasion from Cesca. Nate’s dad on the other hand was concerned why his son was a bit distant recently and when he walked past a wall with “Nate loves Josh” he knew why.

“Nate loves Josh? Ha, is this some kind of joke?”

“Hi Mr Gurney, I’m Josh”

“.....what”

It’s like this show is done for laughs most of the time.

So Nate’s dad wasn’t going to have any of it and ran about all guns blazing homophobic thoughts. Waterloo Road of course has to put a twist on things as usual and attaches the pain of losing a family member in the Middle East and Nate’s dad believes that his son being gay means he’s lost another son. Blimey, it’s like the writers hired Jan Moir to do the plots. Matthew Gurney had a confrontation with his son realised that he is gay. Now we could of ended it there we would of shut off that plot there, but no. He wasn’t easy on the idea of his son being in a relationship yet and decided that he should stay away from Josh causing sheep hair to feel all depressed. But no, Nate inspired by the power of love told his dad to bugger off and let him and Josh be together. 

Nate’s dad does get the message but still feels bitter about it and decides that kicking Tom’s head in would be a great way to vent. While all this was happening, good ol’ Tom was back in his womaniser role which only seems to be able to charm his work colleagues suddenly fancies Cesca probably because she revealed that she likes football and does know the offside rule.  Insert Sian Massey joke here.  He even invited her out for a drink and she agreed with Tom using the irritating and “you know what he’s up to” line “It’s a date!”.

 Don't worry Tom, women do like the odd wound.

While Tom was planning how to get his “swag” on, Jonah and Cesca looked to be on the rocks after Cesca suddenly thought “Wait, this is totally unprofessional” and wanted Jonah to bugger off and shark some girl his own age. Jonah even went in for a kiss but got a slap from Cesca but he was totally fine with her playing hard to get. After Tom got battered by Mr. Gurney, Cesca ditched him in favour of some Jonah company because she just wanted a cuddle with him. Cesca can’t even make her mind up about Jonah, she’s like a child who saves up for a console, realises it’s a load of manure and then suck up to it in order to block out the feelings of buyer’s remorse.  

So there you go, Josh and Nate get to be together, Tom got can’t even score Cesca because she’s too busy having awkward Spanish oral lessons with Jonah’s mouth and got beaten up in the same evening. Maybe he should just date someone out of work that has no relation to anyone in the school and there will be less trouble then.

The slap - A common move for Miss. Montoya

Janeece’s dream of becoming a teacher took a positive step as she decided to give classes in the skills of being a PA. Girls signed up but no boys did and Adanna wasn’t going to allow the course to go ahead unless at least one boy signed up because she didn’t want the course to be viewed sexist but the role of a PA is a well known job for females as 9/10 of female applicants will give the job because their employer wants a bit on the side. Many males were approached on the idea including Del Boy Ronan, who signed up after seeing the mother load of stationery in the stationery cupboard and wanted to start flogging pens instead of poor quality filmed movies.

Ruby once again filled the void of the comedy duo of Steph in the partnership this week with Grantly rewarding last week’s cleaning efforts of his house with tickets for them both to see An Inspector Calls. Ruby wanted to read up on the play before she read it but was caught with an edition of the play’s transcript and Grantly accused her of not being literature savvy with Ruby countering his accusation by whipping out her copy of Jilly Cooper’s Wicked, insisting he’ll love it. Ruby had to read Madame Bovary in return and both characters loved the books with their bond growing stronger and stronger. I feel like this pair will have an affair, I mean, where's John these days?

HAI BEX

Hodge popped up and was bothering Bex this week as usual and even he turned up at the school with an awkward moment involving him waving at Bex like they're best buddies. These days something like that doesn't look right. He convinced her to have a meeting in the park when he gave the audience an idea of her antics when she was missing. He also sent Bex an envelope stuffed full of cash as a present and Bex started crying. I assume Bex was a prossie and ol' Hodge was a pimp scoring her clients not being selling dodgy DVDs, then.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP12: Not Another Schizo Storyline

In another one shot episode that the series writers seem to love doing, we had a new one off character called “Billie Taylor” (no relation to me, God no) is a young mother who’s returning to school after popping out her sprog with obvious tension between the pair. It’s makes sense that Janeece takes an interest in the girl’s welfare because of obvious reasons and not because she just wants more screen time. Billie is convinced that her mother was trying to take her baby away from her with Janeece visiting Chris about this and he didn’t want to hear any of it. Although, this did set up a comedy moment for the show (serious one, of course) with Chris hearing Cheryl and thinking she were in the draw.

“No way, it’ll be too cruel to keep a baby in the draw.

...but I do have one in the stationery cupboard” 

Chris weren’t too impressed by this and ordered Janeece to take her baby to the crèche and she trotted off in her high heels with her boobs wobbling. Side note, is it just me or are her breasts getting bigger? 

Anyway, Janeece wants to help out and marches into Jenny from Tracy Beaker’s office with all guns blazing about the baby and Adanna isn’t fazed at all by her claims and neither is Chris. Despite this, Janeece is willing to help out Billie’s baby issues and takes her back home to talk about it.  So Billie and Janeece do indeed go to her house and Billie’s mother is concerned about Billie’s behaviour and how it’s been over the past few months and says the “a word” and it all kicks off with Billie attacking her. Crikey, that’s the most emotion we have seen from this robot!

 Bleep Bloop Beep Beep 

Billie’s mother storms off to the school and accuses her daughter of attacking her, but Janeece denies the claims.  While the mother is fuming, Billie nicks her baby and goes off for a wander leaving the staff to look for her and Janeece having to admit she lied about Billie not hitting her mum with diet Kim understandably mad. Billie is however found and in a controversial way as well. She’s seen recreating Michael Jackson’s infamous moment when he dangled his baby over the hotel balcony when greeting fans. With Chris, Adanna, Janeece, Billie’s mum and a whole crowd on the scene, Billie claims that voices are telling her to drop the baby and thinking that her baby is going to taken away from her. Well, of course your baby is going to taken away from you if you’re going to do that, you daft sod.  She hoops off the hospital and she’s been diagnosed with a mental illness. Another one beats the dust, then.

This is something I don’t like about one shot character focused episodes. This new student with no reference to in the past pops up seamlessly out of a universe full of one shot characters and then manages to stroll into school and have people go “Oh hai X, how are you?” and then characters are suddenly related to her, they know her and of their issues. Then when X character has a massive hissy fit, he/she gets taken away or buggers off and then characters sigh and move on. Perhaps this is because this sort of drama is so common, it’s a day of the week or is it because all the characters in this Waterloo Road universe have amnesia? They all probably all get their minds erased by men in black suits, telling them to stare at the object and let it flash and then they wonder what the bloody hell just happened. It’s all a blatant conspiracy. 

Hell yea, Men in Black movie reference!

There’s a hunch that Nate and Josh will getting some in future episodes (although it all kicks off with Nate’s dad next episode!!) after Lauren pointing out the signs that Nate might fancy Jos after how fast the pair got on well and became close very quickly. Finn sees this chemistry as well as Lauren so he’s all sadface over not having sheep haircut as a buddy anymore. Nate turned up at Josh’s house while Finn and Josh were playing some FIFA with Finn didn’t want to get in the way so left the pair at it. When their session ended, Nate asked Josh if he had any more games they could play upstairs. You dirty, dirty boy, Nate. But props on the chat up line, though, £5 in the post for you. 

 Janeece practising for the World Gurning Championship.

There’s concerns for Grantly’s welfare with Ruby and Tom concerned about him. Grantly isn’t really fussed about his lifestyle and doesn’t need help, but after getting Tom to nick Grantly’s house keys, Ruby saw how bad his lifestyle really is. His house looked like a teenager’s bedroom and Ruby decided to clean his house, leaving cooked dinners and gathering notes from Fleur and placing them around the house to remind him of the good times they had before she left for the nursing home. Ruby you lovely woman. 

Chris was in charge today after Karen was away for some reason and he thought it would be a good idea if Finn and Hay Stack kissed and made up without the “kissed” bit so they don’t lock eyes and scrap at each other everytime they’re in the same room. Of course, all his ideas go tits up and this one is no different. The pair still don’t like each other and their rivalry continued at football training during an exercise where two players jogged together and had to pass to the other with him shooting with Finn smacking the ball right at Kyle causing yet ANOTHER stand off between the pair. Only 2 episodes and the amount of fights there have been so far is just amazing.  Nice one Chris, what’s your next idea, giving fish fresh air?

One for the "Awkward Boner Moments" photo album.

After that hug last week between Jonah and Cesca, there’s obvious chemistry between the pair after some one on one lunchtime Spanish lessons. That’s not an euphemism for sexual healin’, but after Cesca invited him to a lunchtime session place Jonah’s hand on her throat so he could feel how Spanish people say certain words and an unprofessional exchange of phone numbers, there’s potential sexytimes ahead for the pair. But then again, next week’s preview looks like Jonah will get into a spot of bother after getting a slap from Cesca for attempting to kiss her, it’s not really Jonah’s fault. I mean, when Jonah texted “I love Spanish!” with the reply “Spanish loves you!, that is in no way leading someone on, right? Mind, if I had an obviously attractive Spanish teacher like that, I wouldn’t mind “tapping that”, you know what I’m sayin’?

The Frankie Boyle of Journalism is at it again.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1354725/Amanda-Holden-miscarriage-Celebrity-condolence-tweeting-offensive.html

On Saturday we heard the terrible news of Miss. Holden losing her baby after being 6 months pregnant. Everyone was sympatric to the woman, even myself when I’ve made cheap jokes about Amanda Holden in the past about her botox but I only offer sympathy to the woman.  Any woman who has a miscarriage is just terrible. 

In such terrible times, it’s only natural that someone of Jan Moir’s stature to burst into the room offering her take on the matter.  From previous articles notably her piece on Stephen Gately it was just to stir the pot. I don’t know why she does this. There’s times when you can’t say much, but she tries and turns it into a subject which she can talk about so she can get her paycheck from the Daily Mail.

Now to pick at her points like a scab.

Forgive me for saying so, but more likely than not the grim truth is that they are feeding off the rich nutrition of the grief industry, their mawkish Twitter inanities another conduit promoting them as lovely, compassionate and thoughtful ­people. The tweet is a cheap and tasteless way of ­burnishing their profile and increasing their value.

If you’re going down that route then birthday cards, get well soon cards and “Happy Engagement” cards are nothing more than just a folded A4 sheet of card with pretty font on it. It’s a gesture. It’s a way wishing someone well with the card. The tweets from thousands of Twitter users are apparently shallow and meaningless.

The condolence tweeters are drunk on attention; they are stars who have lost any sense of perspective or decorum a long time ago.

Come off it, Jan. Friends or not, you’re always going to send her messages of support because it’s human nature to do so. When I wish someone luck or to get well soon, I mean it.

For surely those celebrities who actually know and are friends with Miss Holden - and that does seem to be most of them listed here - should get in touch privately to express their sympathy in a more discreet and meaningful way? Such as a phone call, a bunch of flowers or - dare I even  suggest it - a private, handwritten note of condolence?

I’m sure she’s received personal messages in other forms than Twitter, Jan. You’re just an observer, do you have any inside knowledge? No. You’re just an offensive columnist.

Amanda Holden must have been greatly comforted by the fact that James Corden sandwiched his ¬sympathy tweet to her between ¬messages about a joke on Are You Being Framed? and details about a West Ham football match.

That’s just unfortunate timing, silly. From that, can’t you see that James only just heard about it? It was spontaneous, did he know that she had an miscarriage before it even happened? No.

Fair play Jan Moir. Showing your class by capitalising on someone's loss to turn it into a rant on something else. Not at all surprised since this article was for the Daily Fail but still amazes me that the article's comment section only shows positive reviews/comments on the article. Another reason not to buy the Daily Fail, then. The whole irony in this article is how she describes these tweets as “offensive, narcissistic and trite” when she’s done exactly that with her article. Play her off, Keyboard cat.

Waterlulz Road S6 EP11: Back to School, Waterloo Road.

(Also here: http://waterlulzroad.tumblr.com/post/3123372527/back-to-school-waterloo-road)

It’s back! It’s back! Another 10 weeks of me posting these commentaries for your amusement! Urgh. I enjoyed the break of playing on my Xbox and not doing my school work but now it's time to resume this commentary of the weekly whacky events in Rochdale with silly plots, shaky camera shots and music rape. 

It seems that the school is resuming it’s experimental approach of attempting to raise the grades of it’s students by segration of boys and girls. Of course, this is Waterloo Road and the track record of experimental schemes were as well received as Roy Hodgson’s reign at Liverpoo. Only person who supported this was Ruby Fry who can't even control the class herself and thought that this issue could help curb this issue. The boys didn’t like this and no one else did really with Finn reacting to the news by turning into an ape and causing everyone else’s brains to shrink and they all join in. Cesca wasn't really impressed with the change as well and asked Karen and Chris how she could make her lessons more interesting. Instant thought: do your lessons while wearing a bikini.

 Looks like Lindsey after a crack addiction in 20 years with a hint of Rose Kelly.

There wasn't any real focus on the single sex classes since backflippin' street dancer George Sampson from Britain's Got Talent appeared and he’s surprised me. Instead of being this kid with trendy clothes and a lovely haircut that enters each scene with some imperative dance according to the music playing in the background with girls quivering at the knees, he’s a pikey. He’s called Kyle “Hay Stack and he’s a real bad arse. He’s a white Bolton with a hint of Earl Kelly and he’s even got a Rottweiler to prove how tough he is. He even talked up how tough his terrier is as well, I'm surprised that Kyle didn't pull a "Some say that my dog can breathe in space" line. He's got a mum that's seen a fair share of drugs, alcohol, and phallus and looks like Rose Mark II but with curves and a bit more dirty with Chlamydia. The school lets Kyle in and he's told that he must be a very good boy and do his work. Of course he's not going to do that, he just wants to "bang someone out". He instantly forms a rivalry with previous bad boy, Finn "leather jacket" Sharkley with them squaring up every 5 minutes and people are on hand to split them up, but it didn't stop him when he smacked Finn in the face. I guess you could say, Finn got....battered.

Anyway, hay stack gets sent to the cooler where Bex is and after seeing her crying, he attempts to wipe the tears off her face but Bex gets the wrong end of the stick and ends up crying rape. Kyle denies her claims but Bex is adamant that he died and it's all going pear shaped for Kyle on his first day at Waterloo Road.

 

To shut up Kyle, Ronan thought it was a great idea to bring in his dog for a spot of doggin- well to back Finn up for protection. In order to train “Timmy”, Josh, Finn and Ronan try and get the German Shepard to maul and slaughter an innocent stuffed bear and instead of being a violent scene from Wire in the Blood, it becomes a Britain’s Got Talent audition with a dancing dog with the occasional leek to unnecessary music. Having failed in bringing out the Hitler out of the dog, the trio decide that there's no point to their attempts so they wander off and resume their duties of sharking and going on pussy patrol.

 This book will be full of the word "anger" in capital letters.

Hell breaks loose when Finn decides to stir trouble and teases Kyle over him touching up Bex and he takes his dog for a stroll into the school so he can munch on Bex. Kyle and his dog chases after Bex into Cesca's Spainano room and backs Bex into a corner demanding that she tells the truth about about the incident in the cooler. Jonah plays the role of hero by grabbing Kyle to let Bex and Cesca out of the room but the dog still managed to harm Jasmine Mark II on the arm but still managed to escape, leaving the boy and his dog locked in the room. Due to this incident in the room, his Rottweiler is rightly deemed dangerous and is taken away to be "destroyed" causing us to see that Kyle isn't this boy who wants to fight everyone, get some girls and cause mayhem, but a fragile sensitive boy. Bless.

So Tina O’Brien has returned from her stint on Strictly Come Dancing and now walking around scared and worried of this “Hodge” bloke. I thought this man was the man Roy Hodgson since he’s out of a job and he’s been twiddling his thumbs for a few weeks but no, it’s someone else. He's leaving her messages, flowers and even popping up outside the school gates in his car. She's obviously paranoid of the man and is in constant fear of him and Karen and Jess are worried with Karen sitting Bex down for a mother-daughter chat, with Bex silent on what she was up to when she was missing. “If I told you, you’d never want to see me again,” she said so it'll probably turn out that she's an ex prossie that worked for this Hodge bloke. I could be proved wrong though.  

Steady on, Woy.

We’ve got a diet Kim on board to fill the vacant Pastoral Care role! After stepping into the school, she was at least going to be better than tight trousers Mead. She’s called Adanna Lawal and has the credentials for the job as she was previously head of the Dumping Ground in Tracy Beaker. Nostalgia alert. She's showing signs that she's exactly like Kim but without the "We should be on top of X!!" rants but it's only her first appearance so let's all be nice and not critical of her. Yet.

Also Janeece wants to be a teaching assistant. Seems the Davina transform from school secretary and bit on the side to teaching assistant to qualified teacher plot is being recycled. Are these characters in a time loop? I wonder. I guess this sub plot is just a way to resume the banter between Ruby and Janeece that provided light hearted fun to the series that the first half provided. If they're going to do that, why don't they just give Grantly more screentime?

IRONY OF THE WEEK: This goes to Ruby Fry for failing to control her class and is unable to get them to stop from leaving the classroom to clean up the mess caused.

“You’re all rubbish!” 

(and you know you are...)